My Terror Alert

There is an organization within the borders of our country that is so clandestine that very few people are aware of the true nature of this group. They are so well organized and nefarious that it is time that we begin to take note of them. I feel it is my patriotic duty to sound the clarions and alert my countrymen to this domestic enemy that inconspicuously operates under the auspices of cuteness and sugary delight. They are so brazen and cavalier that they are often found pushing their wares in the parking lot of a local grocery store. I am of course referring to that militant group known as the Girl Scouts of America and their devilishly delicious desserts.

They may look adorable and uber-cute in their little brown dresses and their sashes. But don't be drawn in by these scelerate sirens of snack food. It's just one of their many ploys. Think about it for a second- they use the fact that they are cute, little girls to shame you into buying their products. What would you do if a boy knocked on your door and tried to sell you a cookie? I'm not sure about you, but I would either be worried he was casing the joint or I would tell him to get a real job. But when a cute, little girl looks up at you with those doe-like eyes and with a slightly quivering chin asks that you "support" their group by paying $4 for a box of cookies, you almost feel like a reprobate if you turn them down. See- it's one of their tactics. They shame you into buying them. They leverage their cuteness against you so that you're basically as evil as someone who kicks dogs or bilks money out of defenseless old women.

They are also extremely aggressive. There are three different entrances to my local grocery store and this sinful sorority had pushers stationed at each door. I entered the middle door the other day barely making it through by remembering to not make direct eye contact with them and pretending I was listening to something by having my ear buds running from my ears to my pocket (I had mistakenly left my iPhone in my car). But when I came out, I had forgotten they were there and accidentally locked eyes with a miniature member of this maleficent group. She pleaded with me to purchase some of their treats. But what I heard was a desperate cry of a sickly child begging for help with a tear in her eye and a tremor in her voice that called for immediate action on my part. I practically melted as she threw in a slight cough for effect. Without even thinking I reached for my wallet and offered to buy two boxes. Thankfully my wallet was depleted of funds and I was saved by my own poverty.

As I pulled into my driveway, still shaking from my hairbreadth escape, I gave a great sigh of relief as I could see the safety of my home and knew how close I'd come to falling prey to these taciturn tots. Just as I had opened my car door, two little girls appeared like creepy children of the corn and tried to get me to buy some lemonade. Fortunately for me, I was sobered by my close call and these were only recruits in training. I was able to withstand their sales pitch and rebuffed their efforts.

We must be guarded against this bonne bouche wielding brigade. They have many forms of their delectable treats with which to tempt you. I am particularly susceptible to their Thin Mints. They are more chip than cookie. You can't possibly eat just one and they package them so that you feel wasteful if you leave just a couple in the foil packaging. They will entrap you with cuteness and before you know it you'll have purchased a dozen boxes of their addicting baked goods and already eating two.

They are cute. They are adorable. They are well organized and execute their training with precision that would rival Navy seals. So it is with great urgency and utmost earnest that I worn my fellow man to beware of this shudder-some sisterhood and their sinister snacks!