My Sympathetic Pregnancy

I have a dream! Not the cool Martin Luther King Jr. type of dream that can be helpful and inspiring, but the annoying type of dream where your alarm clock goes off and instead of waking up it becomes part of the dream playing the role of a police siren or really annoying little boy. My dream is that I'm pregnant. I'm not telling you this so that you can analyze it and see that I have parental issues that I'm trying to resolve during my REM sleep. In my dream the baby is ready to be delivered and fortunately for me, I never actually deliver it, it just happens to show up. It's also never a baby. It's usually some object that I have been wanting (Just a few months ago the role of baby was played by iPhone 4). Thankfully, it's just a dream.

For my wife however, this is an absolute reality. Well, except for the iPhone part-we're expecting a baby boy- but I won't be absolutely heartbroken if we end up with an iPad 2. This is our third full pregnancy. Hopefully, this is our last. Don't get me wrong, I love Bryce and Henry, I love Charlie (that is what we are naming baby boy #3-- His full name will be either Zachary Charles or Reagan Charles--we're still hashing that one out) and I will love any more God chooses to give to us but let's just say that I'm not asking for anymore! I'm totally over the whole baby thing.

But I digress, this blog isn't about the baby, it's about the pregnancy. My wife is a trooper when it comes to pregnancy. She doesn't often complain and even when she does it is tinged with humor. She experiences back trouble from the onset. By the end of a long day her feet and ankles have merged into a tan shape that strongly resemble Uggs (even barefoot she has stylish footwear).

With Bryce, the experience was all new and even the uncomfortable things (i.e. back pain and Uggs) were exciting and anticipated with much eagerness. With Henry it was still pretty neat although the luster had worn off. With the third, it's just, "oh yeah, there's that happening again." I honestly don't know how people like the Duggars have so many kids. You would think that the excitement must eventually diminish (how many times can you watch the same magician pull a rabbit out of his hat before you get bored and demand a better trick).

Before you have kids, people are always asking you, "So when are you gonna start trying for a baby?" The day your first is born they ask, "So when are you gonna have another?" But after a couple of the little boogers they start to ask, "So how many are you gonna have?" It's here where it begins to get a little tricky. If they are a small family, they go on and on about how they wished they had a couple more kids (this is usually the case because one of two things (or both) is true-either they have long forgotten the difficulties of having a baby or their kids have grown to the point where they are gone and no longer around to help with the housework). If it is a big family, they are quick to praise the merit of multitudes of children and try to convince you that two or three are not enough. They usually cite the verse in Psalm 127, "Happy is the man that hath his quiver full..." I am quick to point out that God just said full and didn't stipulate what quantity was considered "full". My quiver happens to be much smaller than the Duggars' quiver (thankfully).

There is one wonderful thing I love about my wife being pregnant. It's what is commonly referred to as "Pregnancy Brain". I'm not really sure if that is in fact the common name but that's what I call the selective amnesia that develops with pregnancy. You see, my wife is one of those people who remembers things a specific way. If you try to convince her differently, you will find that she is immutable. Even if you have video evidence she is unwilling to acquiesce to your point of view. But not on "pregnancy brain!" On "pregnancy brain" her mental fortitude has been compromised and what makes it better (for me that is) she knows it! I only ever have the last word in the argument when my wife is under the influence of "pregnancy brain".

When she is affected by "pregnancy brain" I can convince her of almost anything. If I tried, I could probably convince her that it's still 2002 and George Bush is still President. All I would have to do is fabricate a few points to argue and remind her that she can't even think straight enough not to leave her Blackberry on the register counter at K-Mart (which I had to go and get for her). I might even be able to convince her that the Earth revolves around the moon which in turn revolves around a giant space whale named Franklin if I felt so inclined. All I have to do is argue earnestly and remind her about one of the plethora of things she's forgotten about during pregnancy, like washing an entire load of clothes without using any laundry soap.

I am convinced that "pregnancy brain" is just early onset "delivery amnesia", which blocks the neural pathways that remember the horror and war-like atmosphere of the delivery room. It's a good thing- without it Bryce would be an only child. His was a rather painful and arduous birth and not just for Nicole--she separated my shoulder while bringing Bryce into this world. But that is a different blog for a different day.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go convince her that she said she would mow the lawn this week. After all, she is the one who keeps calling our boys "Dusty," which is our dog's name for those of you keeping score at home.