Hello there,
I know it must seem like it's been forever since you've read one of my well-worded and humorous rants. I would like to apologize for the amount of time that has elapsed between this post and the last successful one. I say successful because, although I have not posted any thing since June, I have written three blogs that never made it to this site. One was written entirely in my head (honestly, beginning to end- the title even briefly appeared on the blog with no content. When I went to type it out, it just seemed like homework. It may yet appear someday if I ever feel like doing my homework again). Another story I had typed completely out and somehow, I have no idea to this day, its content was entirely deleted when I tried to post it. Poof, gone! So out of protest and no small amount of anger I refused to type it out again (which is a real shame because it was about my experience with a very polite, end of the world radical-once again, maybe someday it will see the light). The third one I started and got 75% finished with it when I re-read what I had written to that point and realized it seemed just a little too rant-y and angry. That's not what I'm about. It too may be published some day but I'm really not sure about this one because it had a great deal to do with Facebook's changes this past September and the subsequent reaction. Very topical, very dated.
When trying to think about what to write in this my first blog in almost 6 months, I knew right away the subject matter should be my absence from the blogging world. The thing I didn't know about was exactly how to spin it so as not to paint myself as a very lazy, unmotivated blogger (which is of course exactly what I am-shhh, don't tell anyone). I thought at first maybe I could convince you all that I had entered rehab of some kind. It hasn't seemed to hurt anyone's star power (not that I have any to speak of). But while it may not hurt your image as a Hollywood starlet, it would definitely affect my testimony as a Christian, so that was nixed very quickly.
The next idea that popped into my head was just to leave it shrouded in mystery. Just like the disappearance of Agatha Christie for eleven days in 1926, which to this day has never been fully explained, I would just wander back into the public (public here meaning world wide web) spotlight (spotlight here meaning the flickering ray of light that remains once you've turned off a halogen lamp), and give no explanation for my absence. The trouble is that nobody would in fact care and since I'm all about drawing attention to myself this simply would not do!
I also thought that I could just maybe ignore it. This is a tactic often employed in television when a person vital to the show decides to hold the production for ransom and not perform until their contractual demands have been met. (Will the real Aunt Viv please stand up?) What happens in these situations is usually that the star unless absolutely integral to the show is often replaced. And the rest of the crew carry on as if this new actor had been there all along. In fact it is often completely summed up in one shot with another character asking if they had done something with their hair or lost a few pounds so as to simultaneously address the obvious issue and poke fun at the person who left. Again, the problem lies with the fact that nobody would have noticed that I had taken an absence and again I wouldn't get the attention I desired.
The thought occurred to me to make up some fanciful story about how I had spent the better part of the last six months traveling around the universe and through time in a blue police box with a Time Lord. I'd tell you about all the times we saved entire cultures and species from annihilation. But the truth is I can't even speak Galifrayan (Gal-if-ray-un) and I'm pretty sure I'd have to pay some kind of royalty for reprinting the stories of Doctor Who (of which I have become a huge fan.) It's awesome! Check it out on Netflix. You kind of have to stomach the very early 90's music video cinematography of the first season. It improves drastically in the subsequent seasons, but the first is still integral to the whole story, so start there.)
No, I guess the best way to go is the truth. As my 8th grade history teacher said, "Honesty is not the best policy...it's the only policy." So here goes. The reason that I have not posted a blog in the past six months is because... Are you ready?...I...HAVE...A...LIFE!!! Do you think I have been sent here for the sole purpose of keeping you entertained? Seriously, get off my back already!!! It's not like you can't open up the comics and get your daily chuckle from Peanuts or Garfield. Must I go through life as your personal blogging monkey? If I feel like writing, I'll write! If I don't feel like writing then I won't! That's it. And I don't appreciate you trying to make me feel bad about not giving you anything witty or interesting to read the past six months...
Pauses...eats a Snickers... sorry, I get a little Diva-ish when I get hungry. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this and I promise it won't be 6 months before I post again. Which only gives me a 5 month window. I'd better get to work.
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