My Trip to Lowe's

Have you ever met one of those guys who can build, fix or basically do anything? If not, allow me to introduce you to my father-in-law. That man's idea of a relaxing vacation isn't spending the day at the beach or going to Disneyland. His idea of vacation is changing the floor plan of his house. He actually lives in a double wide Mobile home, but to look at it, you'd never be able to guess that is what it is. His handiness isn't limited to construction either. He's also a mechanic and a journeyman electrician. Basically, he can do just about anything (except get a computer to work for him). I, on the other hand, am not so inclined (except for the computer part). You can imagine the significant disappointment my wife must have felt the first time she told me that our washing machine was leaking. I just stared at her unblinking. I didn't have the first clue how to fix it. I did, but not completely and to be honest, it was a pretty terrible job.

I said all that to say that because of my deficiency in the area of handymanliness, I don't have many occasions to go to a hardware store. However, as it happens, I was in need of something specific that I was sure I could find at my local Lowe's. So I jumped in my little pick up truck and drove to the redneck Mecca.

When I arrived I began playing the game of "Where Do I Park". I haven't been to enough Lowe's to know whether or not they are all built similar, but I'd be surprised if they weren't. The problem is that the entrance door is at one end and the exit door is at another. So you have to choose: short walk from car to building; or short walk from building to car. There is always the third option of parking all the way to the right of the building where you can pull up after you've made your purchase and load your truck. The problem here is two fold.

1. Unless you're buying 2x4's in bulk, you're gonna have a long walk to whatever section of the store you actually need.

2. It's is generally populated by construction guys buying 2x4's in bulk and they tend to make snide comments about how "cute" my truck is.

So I opted for "short walk from store to car" in case I actually purchased what I was looking for, I wouldn't have to carry it too far.

I found a place, parked side ways in two spots (don't want any hard hat wearing, hammer jockeys to scratch the paint job), and entered the labyrinth of hardware. Another uncomfortable thing about Lowe's is its employees. The front end is completely peopled with women (and a couple of men who are management and know next to nothing about tools-this is the part of the store in which I would work) and most of them are either enraptured with a book they're reading or waiting for the next cute construction guy to walk in. After I've disappointed the watchers, I make my way to the stockers and specialists.

I say that, because there are two kinds of Lowe's employees out on the floor. First, is the guy who actually knows what he is talking about. He is extremely helpful and eager to be so. The problem is that he is usually speaking to the guy who walked in right before you. If you happen to get this guy, your Lowe's experience will be favorable and you will return frequently (even if you don't get him on subsequent trips, you'll return in hopes of finding him again).

The second kind (and the coincidentally the kind I get) is the stocker. This is the guy who works at Lowe's because that is where he is employed, but could just as well be working at Office Depot or Kohl's for that matter. He doesn't know a rotary tool from an oscillating tool (neither do I but then I don't work at Lowe's). He is just as friendly but lacks even rudimentary knowledge. He smiles as you approach and welcomes you warmly. He even asks if you want any help. The difference is that the whole time inside him there is a normal dude without a red vest screaming, "just keep walking, there's nothing to see here-these aren't the associates you're looking for (complete with an attempt at Jedi mind control)". If you make the mistake of asking him for assistance, you will spend the next few minutes traversing the store hoping to stumble on the item you were asking about or the specialist who knows all about it.

This day I knew exactly what I was looking for and headed straight for it, turning aside all offers at assistance. This is when my real problem began. You see I was looking for something specific that could only be found on one specific aisle. So as I made my way to that aisle I heard a slight commotion and turned down my aisle to see a couple making out with ferocity. She had him pinned against the shelving unit and they were deeply involved in the kind of passionate, wild kissing that you would expect to see in a couple that is truly in love and haven't seen each other for 10 years.

As soon as I had seen them, I caught my self and stopped at the entrance of the aisle. I turned away quickly and began examining the items immediately in front of me. They continued on undisturbed. I cleared my throat but they paid me no attention and kept on going. The problem (other than the obvious) was that what I needed was right next to where they were desecrating the sanctity of Lowe's. I was torn- do I walk away and leave them be, or do I get what I had come all the way to Lowe's to get? At this point, I figured it was my duty to put a stop to it. After all, there were children present and sooner or later someone would stumble on this unholy activity and have to put a stop to it. I figured if not me, who; if not now, when! So I cleared my throat, summoned all the fortitude I could muster and pulled out my cell phone and began talking loudly to no one at all.

As I got closer and closer, my true horror was revealed. The talking loudly thing worked and they broke up the little tryst. That is when I discovered the grisly truth. This couple who had just been locked in Love's strong embrace and had been slobbering all over each other like he had just gotten out of prison had a combined age of no less than 120 years. If either one of them was a day under sixty then I'm cupid.

My stomach began to churn and I no doubt turned a greenish hue. They smiled and began walking away hand in hand. I kept expecting him to ask if she wanted her gum back and for her to ask if he wanted his teeth back.

Now, I suspect that somewhere there is a girl who is gonna read this and say, "How sweet, after all these years, they are still very much in love and desire each other." I tell you it's not sweet. I do hope that my wife and I will be that much in love when we're sexagenarians (no pun intended). But you can be certain that it will be reserved to our home or sneaking little kisses in public, not holding an entire aisle at Lowe's hostage.

The sad thing was that the thing I went to Lowe's to get wasn't what I was hoping it was and I left empty handed but with a mind full of things I couldn't un-see.

My Christmas Parade

I have lived in the Temecula Valley for 10 years and have never attended the Old Town Electric Lights Parade. To be perfectly frank, I don't care for parades. I think they are generally a line up of poorly constructed floats decorated with a bunch of self important people. However, last night I felt oddly compelled to grab the wife and kids (and by that I mean she dragged me out there) and trek out to old town to join the denizens of this fair valley in all of this festive fanfare, which I was sure would produce a generous portion of blog fodder.

As we arrived a little over an hour early, traffic had already begun to back up significantly. My wife myopically suggested that the majority of people were just headed home. She was wrong. However, we decided to grab some dinner at the golden arches, which turned into a great idea because we discovered another parking area that was not nearly as far a walk as the other secondary lots. So we enjoyed our dinner and walked over to the parade staging area.

We found a spot near the tail end of the parade. We were warned that we might miss some of the parade because we were technically outside of the parade route. I was sure that once they saw the hundreds of people with us, the floats would extend their parade route to include us. I was not wrong. We did miss seeing the marching bands in all of their glory but we still heard five different renditions of Jingle Bells and one version of Angels We Have Heard on High (thanks Calvary Chapel Murrieta for marching to the beat of a different drum).

While standing around waiting for the parade to begin, the sidewalks began to resemble a line crush at a black Friday sale. People were elbowing and pushing their way through others to get a better seat. Just as the parade was to begin a woman with two little girls and three pink lawn chairs stepped in between me and the rest of my family and tried to set up camp. I didn't say a thing (I'm much to non-confrontational for that); I just resumed the position I had been in prior to their trespassing. Once the woman saw that this giant of a man had every intention of looming over her she quickly assessed her position and found it less than desirable. She picked up and moved on, presumably to sit in someone else's lap.

The parade began and the first entrant to make it's way past the end of the route was the Great Oaks Marching Band with a rousing rendition of the aforementioned Jingle Bells. They were decked in Christmas lights and looked very festive. Then there was a line of City Council members, Community Service representatives and a few other civil servants waving and bequeathing a merry Christmas on all of the parade revellers.

We then saw the first of what seems like a thousand different boyscout troops walk through the parade. I didn't know we had so many different troops in the valley. I am not entirely sure why we need so many different troops. It seems like they could start one and just let anyone from the valley join. But they had a plethora of them. It was comical at times. There was a stereotypical "nerd" troop leader. He was walking in full camping gear (backpack, sleeping roll, pots and pans and a fishing pole, complete with fake fish). He had his little scarf tied around his neck and was wearing the trade mark cargo shorts with hiking boots and brown tube socks pulled half way up his calf. He looked like a hairy, nerdy version of Shelley Long from Troop Beverly Hills. I yelled, "We don't need no stinkin' badges" but he either didn't hear me or was pretending not to because he just kept walking.

The highlight of the scouting portion of the parade was when one boy scout, walking along side the float holding the rest of his troop, chided a crowd member by irritatedly calling back, "I'm not a cub scout!" I hope at their next den meeting they discuss the meaning of the word "semantics".


Next followed a few local businesses and clubs. There were cheer groups and martial artsy people along side a dachshund club and a bus of retired people on "holiday". At one point, Arby's made an appearance with two people dressed as the hand thing that stands out front and waves people in and two girls dressed as elves. One was dressed as a male elf and the other-well, based on her costume, I can only assume she is Arby's hood rat.

There were some local celebrities on hand, but the highlight for me was meeting Drippy, the water drop. He represented the Rancho Water district and I had a few questions for him about my water bill. I suspect it's some sort of conspiracy because he flat out refused to answer any of the hard -hitting questions I asked.

Then a float of little beauty queens passed by. It was full of little girls who wore enough makeup to disguise congress as a bunch of zombie's (okay, that analogy maybe lacking in sufficiency) and who will no doubt wind up on an episode of E! True Hollywood Stories as a cautionary tale of toddlers and tiaras (at the very least they'll wind up on The Soup being made fun of by Joel McHale).

The next set of "celebrities" to walk by were some of the contestants from various reality TV shows. There were a couple of the tap dancing dads from America's Got Talent, some Survivors, Amazing Racers, and two Big Brothers. They passed by with Santa close behind, which made me speculate as to what Santa might bring these people. I surmised that fire and a compass would make suitable gifts for the Survivors and Racers respectively; the tap dancing dads might get some new tap shoes and I am certain the Big Brother contestants would receive industrial- grade antibiotics.

There were some 95 different entrants in this small town parade. One of the best was the Volkswagon Club that included 25 different VW's. There were Bugs, Buses and one Kia Spectra. I didn't just make a typographical error. For some reason the VW club was anchored by a 2001 Kia Spectra.

The grand finale to this little parade was a float with St. Nicolas himself riding a sleigh bedecked in lights and tossing candy to the kids in the street. Or at least that's what I imagined it would look like. We left with about four entrants to go. Both boys had seen enough (as had their parents) and were ready to go. All in all a good time was had by all.

I have not yet decided if we will make a repeat appearance at next year's parade. I think I have gotten all out of it that a spectator can get. I say spectator because, although I am not sure how, I think it would be great to be in next year's parade. So this year I shall endeavor to be an exemplary citizen. One so worthy of note that the parade planners are compelled to replace Santa with me. I will be so loved and admired that they'll make me honorary Mayor. Either that or I'll just start a Boy Scout Troop.