My Trip to Lowe's

Have you ever met one of those guys who can build, fix or basically do anything? If not, allow me to introduce you to my father-in-law. That man's idea of a relaxing vacation isn't spending the day at the beach or going to Disneyland. His idea of vacation is changing the floor plan of his house. He actually lives in a double wide Mobile home, but to look at it, you'd never be able to guess that is what it is. His handiness isn't limited to construction either. He's also a mechanic and a journeyman electrician. Basically, he can do just about anything (except get a computer to work for him). I, on the other hand, am not so inclined (except for the computer part). You can imagine the significant disappointment my wife must have felt the first time she told me that our washing machine was leaking. I just stared at her unblinking. I didn't have the first clue how to fix it. I did, but not completely and to be honest, it was a pretty terrible job.

I said all that to say that because of my deficiency in the area of handymanliness, I don't have many occasions to go to a hardware store. However, as it happens, I was in need of something specific that I was sure I could find at my local Lowe's. So I jumped in my little pick up truck and drove to the redneck Mecca.

When I arrived I began playing the game of "Where Do I Park". I haven't been to enough Lowe's to know whether or not they are all built similar, but I'd be surprised if they weren't. The problem is that the entrance door is at one end and the exit door is at another. So you have to choose: short walk from car to building; or short walk from building to car. There is always the third option of parking all the way to the right of the building where you can pull up after you've made your purchase and load your truck. The problem here is two fold.

1. Unless you're buying 2x4's in bulk, you're gonna have a long walk to whatever section of the store you actually need.

2. It's is generally populated by construction guys buying 2x4's in bulk and they tend to make snide comments about how "cute" my truck is.

So I opted for "short walk from store to car" in case I actually purchased what I was looking for, I wouldn't have to carry it too far.

I found a place, parked side ways in two spots (don't want any hard hat wearing, hammer jockeys to scratch the paint job), and entered the labyrinth of hardware. Another uncomfortable thing about Lowe's is its employees. The front end is completely peopled with women (and a couple of men who are management and know next to nothing about tools-this is the part of the store in which I would work) and most of them are either enraptured with a book they're reading or waiting for the next cute construction guy to walk in. After I've disappointed the watchers, I make my way to the stockers and specialists.

I say that, because there are two kinds of Lowe's employees out on the floor. First, is the guy who actually knows what he is talking about. He is extremely helpful and eager to be so. The problem is that he is usually speaking to the guy who walked in right before you. If you happen to get this guy, your Lowe's experience will be favorable and you will return frequently (even if you don't get him on subsequent trips, you'll return in hopes of finding him again).

The second kind (and the coincidentally the kind I get) is the stocker. This is the guy who works at Lowe's because that is where he is employed, but could just as well be working at Office Depot or Kohl's for that matter. He doesn't know a rotary tool from an oscillating tool (neither do I but then I don't work at Lowe's). He is just as friendly but lacks even rudimentary knowledge. He smiles as you approach and welcomes you warmly. He even asks if you want any help. The difference is that the whole time inside him there is a normal dude without a red vest screaming, "just keep walking, there's nothing to see here-these aren't the associates you're looking for (complete with an attempt at Jedi mind control)". If you make the mistake of asking him for assistance, you will spend the next few minutes traversing the store hoping to stumble on the item you were asking about or the specialist who knows all about it.

This day I knew exactly what I was looking for and headed straight for it, turning aside all offers at assistance. This is when my real problem began. You see I was looking for something specific that could only be found on one specific aisle. So as I made my way to that aisle I heard a slight commotion and turned down my aisle to see a couple making out with ferocity. She had him pinned against the shelving unit and they were deeply involved in the kind of passionate, wild kissing that you would expect to see in a couple that is truly in love and haven't seen each other for 10 years.

As soon as I had seen them, I caught my self and stopped at the entrance of the aisle. I turned away quickly and began examining the items immediately in front of me. They continued on undisturbed. I cleared my throat but they paid me no attention and kept on going. The problem (other than the obvious) was that what I needed was right next to where they were desecrating the sanctity of Lowe's. I was torn- do I walk away and leave them be, or do I get what I had come all the way to Lowe's to get? At this point, I figured it was my duty to put a stop to it. After all, there were children present and sooner or later someone would stumble on this unholy activity and have to put a stop to it. I figured if not me, who; if not now, when! So I cleared my throat, summoned all the fortitude I could muster and pulled out my cell phone and began talking loudly to no one at all.

As I got closer and closer, my true horror was revealed. The talking loudly thing worked and they broke up the little tryst. That is when I discovered the grisly truth. This couple who had just been locked in Love's strong embrace and had been slobbering all over each other like he had just gotten out of prison had a combined age of no less than 120 years. If either one of them was a day under sixty then I'm cupid.

My stomach began to churn and I no doubt turned a greenish hue. They smiled and began walking away hand in hand. I kept expecting him to ask if she wanted her gum back and for her to ask if he wanted his teeth back.

Now, I suspect that somewhere there is a girl who is gonna read this and say, "How sweet, after all these years, they are still very much in love and desire each other." I tell you it's not sweet. I do hope that my wife and I will be that much in love when we're sexagenarians (no pun intended). But you can be certain that it will be reserved to our home or sneaking little kisses in public, not holding an entire aisle at Lowe's hostage.

The sad thing was that the thing I went to Lowe's to get wasn't what I was hoping it was and I left empty handed but with a mind full of things I couldn't un-see.