My Jury Duty

I've posted these for the sake of keeping them all together.

Day One:
8:06 am
I arrived at the courthouse early on this February morn, happy to fulfill my civic duty (and not just because I got to sleep in past 4am on a Monday). Let me first state that I have always been fascinated by our court system and even considered being a lawyer at some point in my life. So I am one of the few people who are genuinely excited to be here. I'm not doing cart wheels in the portico mind you, but I do want to be here.

Upon my arrival, the first thing that I noticed is that it is difficult to tell prospective jurors apart from those whose case they are waiting to hear. It can be truly stated that these defendants today will be tried by a jury of their peers. That's not to say that the lawyers blend in as well. No, you can spot them a mile away. They're the ones who exude confidence (even if it’s only manifested in the immediate presence of their clients and quickly subsides once they move on). They can also be easily noticed as they flit in and out of the security line like humming birds, greeting clients and laying the groundwork for prospective ones. They are smartly attired in a cheap business suit, (I don't mean to be disparaging but let's face it these aren't exactly the high profile cases and big money lawyers about which John Grisham writes) and have either a worn out old briefcase or an array of multi-colored file folders tucked under their arm.

I've made it through security, not that I was worried, though you never know what small item, like a rivet on your pant pocket, may set those metal detectors off, causing a cacophony of bells and whistles to chime as they usher you into a side room with bare walls and a Nurse Ratchet character waiting to do unspeakable things. Okay so maybe I was a little worried, but it was completely unfounded.

8:34 am
As I stepped into the Juror Assembly Room, the pungent smell of desperation and despair assaulted my nostrils. I beheld the group of prospective jurors that somewhat resembled a “who's not” of Riverside county. They seemingly came from all walks of life. I say seemingly, because I've neither the time nor the inclination to interview each juror to discover their background and learn their world paradigm. Most of them are here because they have no other choice. There are a few of us who desire to be here. But for the most part many would rather be anywhere else than here missing a day of work and being forced to watch reruns of animal planet shows. I can't abide listening to Mario Lopez go on and on about how special some stupid cat is. Why do I care that some lady has nothing better to do than spend years training a rebellious feline to do tricks it would take a week for a dog to learn? Besides, I was always more of a Zack Morris fan anyway.

9:27 am
I was just treated to a bit of comedy. A young man who had received a jury summons came in to explain why he should be excused from service. His first argument, which was specious, was that he had school and had already missed one class just by showing up. Putting aside the fact that he doesn't strike me as a person overly concerned with class attendance, school is only good for a postponement at best. Once that was shot down, he moved on to his second argument which failed in a more spectacular fashion. His excuse was that he had a job and his only day off was Sunday. The master-juror looked at him as though he was the dumbest person alive. Which I feel if he's not, he's certainly in the running. As if the 180 person juror assembly room was entirely populated by unemployed people with nothing better to do than hang out at their local courthouse begging a trial judge to end their boredom and place them on a case. .

10:02 am
Judge Mark Mandio just addressed this motley crew. Nice guy- rambled on a bit but he struck me as a man who was good at his job. He was unfazed by some of the stupid questions thrown at him, answering them in a manner that was frank but also conveyed the idea that he thought it was a good question, even though it was not. One such question directed at him by a man with a fu-Manchu, who strongly resembled that dad from American Choppers, was, “Why are there some forty-plus criminal trial judges and only 7 civil trial judges?” The man stated that in his opinion and I quote "that's just not fair". I wanted to explain to the mustachioed man that life was not fair and that it was probably because there are a whole lot more people out there performing criminal acts than there are people suing over the loss of a limb. Judge Mandio explained those exact sentiments in a much more diplomatic and less abusive manner.

10:33 am
A twenty minute break was just announced and a flood of people rushed to the bathrooms. A scene reminiscent no doubt of the halftime rush in the homes and venues of those watching the Super Bowl without a DVR and the ability to pause live TV. The problem I have is this, it’s not like we are in school. We are in a juror assembly room. It even has a "quiet room" set aside where the lights are left off for the expressed purpose of "closing your eyes and relaxing". The phrase of the day here is "down time". My question is why did they wait for recess like so many school children not daring to ask the teacher for permission? It's moments like these that make me relieved to be a prospective juror and not in need of a jury.

10:45 am
I've begun my own jury selection comprised of the twelve jurors and three alternates I feel are best suited to hear my imaginary client's case. The schoolboy with a job and the American Choppers guy has already been dismissed. As have the guy in the Dallas Cowboys T-shirt and the man in the nice suit and white tube socks. I feel they cannot be trusted. I've also dismissed the guy with the bad toupee'-he obviously has no desire to uncover the truth. Now you would probably think that I would excuse the guy who is making his way around the room trying to pick up women. But I appreciate the whole "bloom where you're planted" mentality. I've just dismissed the woman beside me. I don't feel anyone should serve on a jury if they should be on trial for murdering the English language.

11:08 am
I would like to take this moment to thank the previous jurors for their donated fees and mileage that have paid for the free coffee, tea and hot cocoa. I am appreciative despite the fact that I'm pretty sure it’s the same coffee that was left over from when you served. Does anyone know the ratio of water to coffee at which point the liquid substance can still be legally referred to as coffee?

11:10 am
The first round of names has been selected to go to the next process in jury selection. I'm not a little disappointed that my name was passed over, especially since the schoolboy and the man who suited up with white socks were selected. I'm not worried as only two of my jurors were selected. I did have to add one person to my juror list. Anyone named John McClain has to be trustworthy.

11:28 am
They just started the second round of names and I've been selected. This judge is about to get the best juror ever! Now we get to go to lunch. Selection process will begin immediately following.

1:14 pm
As I wait for the court room to begin calling us in, I am amazed at how people pass the time so differently. To my right there are a group of jurors silently reading and minding their own business. To my left are a group of people minding everyone else's business and doing so quite loudly.

Their observations range in substance: Outrage at the length of the security line which is now extended beyond the doors and almost to the parking lot, all because the court system is unwilling to employ a second set of guards to man the second check point. The ringleader (which I figure is by default since he is the loudest) says it is more logical to do it his way but "what do I know?” Apparently what he knows is minimal and what he doesn't know is too expansive to list here. But he is right, it's way more logical to pay three more guards 8 hours a day with benefits so that they can ease the 20 minute rush coming back from lunch. Their latest tangent is watching a couple of officers search a car in the parking lot with what appears to be bags of marijuana now piled on the hood. Commenting on and I quote "the stupid people who do stupid things at stupid times in stupid places". Their mastery of descriptive adjectives is to be commended.

I am also amazed at the things people will share with one another just for the sake of conversation. For instance I now know that the gentleman next to me has passed three kidney stones in the past month and the smallest one was the size of a piece of Kix cereal. Note to self: thank this man later for ruining Kix for you forever. Why couldn't he have said peas? I'm already not extremely fond of them.

1:43 pm
We have all been called in and introduced to the defendant who shall remain unnamed, except to say that his middle name is Lee. It seems to me that the majority of criminals have this particular middle name. Which is not to say this individual is guilty (that is yet to be determined) or that anyone saddled with this middle nomenclature is a criminal. I myself bare this middle name, which then leaves me to wonder at the prospects my parents held for me when they named me.

The judge is an honorable old chap. He tends to repeat himself a lot. Not just once but it seems that he will say the same thing three different ways and then once more as it was stated originally. This is what I'm saying; I'm saying this; this I am saying; I said this. This leads me to believe that he either is getting on in years and can't remember what he's said from one moment to the next moment; or he believes he is dealing with a group of morons.

2:15 pm
They have begun to give us the general instructions for jurors. The first thing they said was that jury service is not like in the movies. They then went on to describe the exact scenario which has been played out in every movie based in a courtroom that I've ever seen.

After hearing a few potential jurors answer the questionnaire, I'm inclined to believe that his Honor is not getting up there in years but is in fact dealing with a class “A” group of morons. How hard is it to follow instructions that were stated so clearly no less than three times each.

4:26 pm
We've recessed for the day and are all headed home. Eight men and women have been deferred or excused, leaving 72 of us to fill out the 12 jurors and three alternates. I fear that there are not 15 people here who have the capacity to do so, but only time will tell. See you tomorrow.


Day 2:
8:36 am
I arrived at the court house to the customary security line. Thankfully I avoided Nurse Ratchet again. I walked to the floor where the court room is and saw the usual suspects. I've discovered that the ring leader is actually the jury foreman for that particular case. Apparently he feels his duties go well beyond the walls of the jury box as he commandeers and directs every conversation his jurors have. After hearing he and his jurors talk for the last few minutes I feel strongly about two things. One: they may be the densest jury to serve since that Pauley Shore movie and Two: that we would all be better off as a species if the phrase "it is what it is" were expunged from our vernacular.

9:01 am
They've called in several of the potential jurors who wished to discuss their issues with service in private. We'll see if that's any more effective in getting them excused.

9:44 am
The courtroom inhabitants appear bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning. Our court stenographer is a dead ringer for Chloe O'Brien from 24, complete with the look of sarcastic consternation etched into her furrowed brow.

10:02 am
I've just personally excused one of the jurors. His resemblance to Kenny G wasn't enough to get him excused yesterday but it did push him close to the edge. The thing that carried him over was the T-shirt with the imprint of a white collared shirt and black tie with skulls all over it. See ya later song bird.
I'm seated next to a woman who bears a striking resemblance to the grandmother character Jonathan Winters used to portray. Even her voice is right on. I've excused her from service but asked her to stay purely for my own amusement.

10:45 am
We are now recessed for a morning break. The two ladies who wished to speak to the judge in private are nowhere to be seen. They've either been excused or exiled for having entered a judge's chambers and sworn to secrecy and entered into the witness protection program.

11:30 am
The opening round of questions has resumed and I have excused 4 more potentials. Most notably the young man beside me who won't stop shaking his legs and thus the bench on which we are seated, and the George Takei dopple-ganger just because he's a nice old man who doesn't wish to be here.

The judge has found a bosom-companion who also worked at Illinois Bell which was discussed at length.
My name was called so I entered the front part of the court room and took a seat behind the assistant D.A. next to a kind elderly Filipina. Her knowledge of the English language was very minimal and after trying to procure discounts for all the assembled at her children's restaurants in Beverly Hills, to no avail, the judge dismissed her.

It is my turn to answer the questionnaire and I made sure to mention my beautiful piano teaching wife and her reasonable rates, which are now a matter of court record.

1:12 pm
Lunch has been called and we are now waiting for the court to return to session. Potentials are milling about discussing their particular lunch menus. The woman across from me is describing in all too vivid detail the reaction her body has to most fast food. She explains that she sat in her car eating the chicken salad she had left in her car this morning. I fear that chicken salad left in a warm car for 5 hours can't have too different of an impact on one's body. I've excused her lest we see her graphic tales on live display.

I marvel at the things people wear in public, let alone the relative formality of a courtroom. I've dismissed the following people for obvious reasons: the young man in the plaid pajama pants, the man with "git-r-done" hat, the man with a Dodgers T-shirt and the woman who just came back from the restroom with her skirt tucked in her underwear. She's suffered enough.

2:36 pm
Once court resumed after lunch, things began to move fairly quickly. The judge dispensed with his final questions but not before giving us several scenarios to consider trying to evaluate whether or not we could make the right decision. My favorite was the Donut Caper. In this example, we were told of a little boy named Heathcliffe. No, that is not the crime. It seems Heathcliffe’s mother has given him explicit instructions not to spoil his dinner. His mother then exits the kitchen leaving a powdered donut on the table. I feel this is entrapment but that’s a different charge than the one which we shall try here. Apparently, the mother goes outside and stakes out the donut through the window (another argument for entrapment). At any rate, she watches as little Heathcliffe comes in and eats the donut. She comes back in and accuses the little imp who promptly denies the charges. This is an example of direct evidence. The little boy is guilty based on his mother’s eyewitness testimony (How she can serve as judge and jury is left unexplained). In the second scenario, Heathcliffe is back, the window is gone but the donut and the over-officious mother remain. This time the evidence is bite marks in the donut and a powdered crumb trail leading to little Heathcliffe. This is circumstantial evidence, which contrary to the movies is not only admissible but should be considered with the same weight as direct evidence so long as you can only make one inference without reasonable doubt. Heathcliffe is no less guilty despite the absence of eyewitnesses. In the final of the donut scenarios, the window is still gone, mother, Heathcliffe, the donut and the crumb trail are still there, but we have been introduced to a third character, Fluffy the family dog. I don’t know what kind of family would actually name their dog Fluffy, the same kind that would name their son Heathcliffe, I suppose. This time when asked about his guilt, Heathcliffe claims that little Fluffy jumped on to the table, bit into the donut, jumped into Heathcliffe’s arms, licked his face (thus the powder trail on him), and fled to the outdoors where he is now eating dirt and destroying all possible evidence (allow me to state that I feel that if this is the case that somehow the mother and Fluffy are in cahoots). This is also circumstantial evidence but now two inferences may be made. Either Heathcliffe is telling the truth and fluffy is guilty of the best frame up ever, or Heathcliffe is falsely accusing Fluffy to hide his own guilt. In either case, a not guilty verdict is to be rendered based on the fact that the burden of proof lies with the prosecution, as reasonable doubt has been established. Both culprits, although one is certainly guilty, must be declared innocent in a court of law based on the preponderance of the facts. Obviously though, a mother who would trap her son into the crime in the first place is not interested in true justice and would have probably declared both guilty and punished them severely.

4:03 pm
Now the Lawyers have addressed the potentials to determine which ones they would like to dismiss preemptively. Once they finish with their questions, they start in turn dismissing the potentials they feel will not help their case. Potentials are now dropping like flies and I have moved from the 17th position, as fifth alternate, to juror number six. But alas, this is where my story ends. Before I could even warm the juror’s chair, the people of California excused me without as much as a howdy-do. The judge thanked me and invited me back at some later point in my life. My only regret is that I did not get to render my verdict on little Heathcliffe