My Olympic Experience

I do not wish to deceive you with my title. I don't mean to imply that I was a contestant in the games that have just concluded. Those of you who know me and are aware of my athletic prowess, know that can't be the case. Alas, I will never represent my country in the Olympic games, that is unless Trivial Pursuit or Scrabble become events (which, if you ask me, have just as much merit as a biathlon: Trivial Pursuit is much more interesting and Scrabble requires more mental capacity and endurance than skiing across flat land and shooting a pellet gun, which I feel would be a whole lot more entertaining if all but one of the bi-athletes were given sniper rifles and the one without a weapon was given a 5 minute head start). I also don't wish to mislead you and make you think that I attended the Olympic games. That would require me to go to the place I like to refer to as America's hat. Those of you who know me and are aware of my distaste for all things not American know that can't be the case either. I wish instead to share with you my view point of these Olympics and the Olympics in general.

I love the Olympics. I really do. I love America and cheering for all those representing the red, white and blue. I love America and cheering against all of her adversaries. When Americans do well, I jump to my feet and pump my fist just like Tiger Woods (it is the ONLY thing I do like Eldrick). I don't want you to get the idea that I hate foreigners. I don't...mostly! There are a few I don't care for, but I don't really hate them. I don't care for Canada, but I think its mainly because of its proximity and that helps develop a rivalry. Canada wouldn't be that bad if it were say in Asia and if it weren't filled with Canadians. Now when I say rivalry, I don't mean like when the Redsox play New York or the Giants and Dodgers go at it. I mean like when San Francisco plays San Diego, it means way more to San Diego when they beat the Giants than when the Giants beat the Padres.

I love the Olympics because it makes things matter that don't usually matter. As it was pointed out to me earlier, we only ever care about "Bob and his stupid sled" once every four years. There are somethings that engender true interest regardless of who is playing or when it is being played. However, very few of them are Olympic events. Even the hugely popular swimming events that are the hot ticket in the Summer games are forced to run (if they're aired at all) on Espn 16 at any other time of the year. The Winter games have more of these events than their summer counterparts.

I would like to state that not all of the games that are played should be considered sport. This does not mean that it doesn't require athleticism, they are just not sports. Take Ice Skating for instance. I do not question the apparent athleticism that is required to do a triple salchow (and yes I had to google that because I neither know about Ice Skating nor do I care). There are two reasons that I feel Ice Skating should not be a sport: 1. Any "sport" that can easily be morphed in to dancing is not really a sport at all. You don't see Kobe or Lebron taking up a partner for a little Hard court Hustle or Peyton Manning and Drew Brees coming together to trip the light fantastic on the turf. You see, because one is a sport with a definitive winner and the other an exhibition whose whiner, oops, that is the loser, winner is determined by an ever corrupt group of judges. 2. It has something that is referred to as a "kiss and cry area" which is decidedly not sporting! Nothing more really needs to be said about that.

Some of these events are difficult to tell apart from each other. I really can't tell the difference between the Skeleton and the Luge. Now please don't flood my inbox (assuming that a response from each of my four followers would constitute a deluge) with an explanation of the differences. I could google it if I cared but you see, I don't. I may have been interested last week or even yesterday while the Olympics were still relevant, but as of 9-ish last night they closed the Olympics and I have returned to not caring about Hockey and various other events.

Which leads me to my next subject, Hockey. Now I enjoy a good fight as much as the next guy, but I prefer it take place in a ring not a rink. I proudly confess that I have no idea what icing is nor do I know (or care) what exactly constitutes being offsides. In football, it is very simple. If you are on the other team's side, you are offside. In hockey, you can be practically anywhere on the ice and still be called for being offsides. Again, please don't attempt to explain to me what that entails, I have exceeded my capacity for caring about hockey as of 3:00 pm yesterday.

I must confess that I thoroughly enjoyed watching the ski and snowboard cross. It was very reminiscent of a post-apocalyptic sport you would see in a winter version of Escape New York. I can just see Snake Plissken with the President on his back and the Duke hot on his heels.

I wish to conclude by saying that I am extremely proud of America. The way they went into someone else's house and completely dominated the entire world (an accomplishment that every one from Dr. No to Pinky and the Brain would be proud of). I am proud to be an American and if they ever decide to make Wii sports an Olympic event, than I shall answer the call of my country and proudly don the red, white and blue. I can almost hear the chants now...USA, USA, USA!!!