Have you ever been watching a TV show when the local news interrupts with a breaking story? Just as Vanna is about to reveal that all- important letter that you need to be able to solve the phrase, a bulletin comes across the news desk and they feel compelled to stop you mid-entertainment and tell you that there is yet another high speed chase in Glendale. You would think eventually these things would stop becoming breaking news since they happen as frequently as Hollywood stars enter rehab (hmm...I wonder if there is a connection, nevermind). Anyway, they eventually go live to the scene of whatever crime is being committed and inevitably they find some kind of eyewitness to interview. However, they never find Joe Normal to give an accurate account. No, they interview some crazy person who prattles on for five minutes without ever accurately describing what they were believed to have seen. It is at these moments that I begin to wonder: a.) Why all TV news reporters, even if they're not Hispanic feel the need to say their name with a Hispanic accent; and b.) If these type of crazy people really do exist, then why have I never met one in person?
Well, I will wonder that no more (I here refer to part b of my previous query-I may never understand a TV journalist's need to be Latino). I have met one such person who would fully satisfy all of the requirements of a TV news interviewee. He dressed weird, drove a weird car, and talked all sorts of nonsensical gibberish. He was perfect.
I was at a Jack in the Box in Fallbrook yesterday and while I was in the dining room I happened upon a creature so unbelievable I am certain many of you will accuse me of concocting this entire story just to have something about which to write. He was unimaginable in all aspects of his appearance. He was wearing a pair of capri pants or at least that is what I thought at first. He was actually wearing a pair of black docker style pants that had been cutoff midway between his knee and his ankle. It was a rather poor job leaving the ends of the pants somewhat frayed. He was wearing a white linen blousey shirt that looked as though it hadn't been washed or mended since the last time he was in port. This shirt had long billowy sleeves and a lace up front. That's right, he was wearing a pirate shirt. Not a fancy one like on Seinfeld when Kramer's date the "quiet talker" tricked Jerry into wearing one in a TV appearance, but one that looked as though it had seen many days swabbing the deck. He had long, stringy hair that hadn't been washed for a while either. His face was twisted in a perpetual squint with the right eye just slightly more squinted than the left. He was unshaven (in true pirate fashion) and had a hoop earring in his left ear. He had a fanny pack on but his shirt was so blousey that you couldn't actually see the pack. It just made it look like he was wearing a belt on the outside of his shirt (again, in true pirate fashion). I looked to his feet and was slightly disappointed not to find a pair of black loafers with great big silver buckles. Instead he was wearing a pair of sensible shoes. If he had striped socks and a cutlass at his side, he could have been mistaken for the animatronic pirates at Disneyland. When he spoke he had a gravelly rasp in his voice reminiscent of all good pirate captains. He truly was a buccaneer.
I needed to retrieve something from my vehicle and while in the parking lot I spied the vehicle in the pictures you see on this page. I am sorry if you can't clearly seem them, and even if you can I am afraid that they still don't do justice to this sight. I assure you it is something altogether different to behold in person. It is an '88 or '89 Dodge Caravan that has been completely decked out with various Christmas ornaments. There is only one Santa on the van (you can see him seated in a vehicle that is situated just above the driver) because he is really "Satan Clause" and is really too much of a "wicked sinner to deserve any attention during the holidays." You can't really tell in the pictures but the inside is just as crammed with Christmas decorations as the outside. Once I returned to the dining room to complete my work, the Christmas Pirate struck up a conversation with me by asking me if I was the one who gave the piano lessons that are advertised on the back of my van. Fearful that he would be interested in piano lessons and concerned with exposing my family to this man, I simply told him that I was not the teacher but that there were no openings that I was aware of. The reason that he wanted to know was that he was hoping he had found someone to answer a question that had been bothering him for a while.
The question: Can someone who plays a piano play a harpsichord?
Harpsichords, which I assume are more prevalent on pirate ships than pianos, had held his interest for many years. But his true passion was to learn how to play the organ. He asked me if I ever went to church to hear an organist play. I told him that I was actually the music director at my church but that we no longer used an organ in our services. That was all he needed to hear. He immediately began (and I am not exaggerating for comical effect) a 15 minute monologue on music and religion. Not music's role in religion or vice versa, but a short amount of time on why he was no longer a christian (I figured it was because it's hard to find a good preacher out on the briny deep), and the rest about Christmas music, even singing me a few bars of several songs he wrote.
I wish I could share everything he told me with you but I will be forced to just hit the highlights. First, I learned that the best Christmas music in the world is South American Christmas music. They have many songs dedicated to the season (all I was aware of was Feliz Navidad) but the government won't allow the radio stations to play them because of the political differences between our democratic republic and their dictatorial/drug cartel leadership. Second, I learned that the Oakridge Boys are the only country music group with a decent Christmas album. Third, I learned that he likes to write his own Christmas music. Nothing original mind you just taking some old standards and retooling the lyrics to suit him better. He sang "Santa Clause is coming to Town" but changed the lyrics to Jesus Christ is coming to earth (and is going to destroy everyone except Christmas Pirates with hell fire); "Jingle Bells" was swapped out for Hell's Bells; and my personal favorite "Sinners roasting over Hell's Fire, Satan cutting off their toes".
It was a remarkable experience and the whole time I was pinching myself because I couldn't believe that this was actually happening to me. It was amazing and awesome at the same time. I kept waiting for him to call me a "bilge rat" or threaten to cut out my gizzard and have it for his supper. There is so much more I could share with you like the fact that he was a famous city bus driver in Phoenix but that will have to wait for another time.
I hope that all of you will someday meet your own musical, Christmas pirate. But until you do, feel free to live vicariously through my experience.
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