My Pomp and Circumstance

There are many things that I enjoy doing in my job as a Youth Pastor. I get to work with teens and spend time doing silly things that most grown adults wouldn't think of doing. Well, they might think of them but they would never act on those thoughts. I, on the other hand, have what most people would consider a natural handicap but I feel that my immaturity serves me well especially when it comes to unashamedly acting like a goofball. While I enjoy most things about my job, I don't particularly like everything. One of my requirements is attending various events for my teens. I (only half) jokingly refer to this as torture time. It can be a rather lugubrious task to be sure. Even though I would rather be water-boarded (or at least try it once), I went to a graduation ceremony. This is one of my least favorite torture times. Mostly because I am at the mercy of an entire faculty and graduating class and as such am subject to their inanity. I love my teens and am extremely proud of them and so torture or not I go.
I chose to go "Bro. formal" with a nice pair of jeans and an untucked collared shirt and found that I was still over dressed compared to most in attendance. Let me take this moment to say that I despise the recent trend of guys growing their hair out like they are all trying out for the role of the annoying loud mouthed kid in the original Bad News Bears. Especially with a cap and gown, you cannot possibly tell the boys from the girls. Not to just pick on the boys, I would like to inform the girls that there is such a thing as too high-high heels. If you look like you're walking on stilts- they're too high. If you almost fall three times during the processional and once on your long awkward walk to give the student address because you tried to walk normally-I think you get the idea.
Now comes the continual parade of cliches': Graduation isn't the end it's only the beginning; you have your whole life ahead of you; let your light shine bright; you've accomplished a tremendous thing and now you're ready for the real world (I'm pretty sure that from the looks and sounds of these graduates they meant the MTV version); this is the last time we'll all be together; blah, blah, blah. There were more but to be honest I wasn't paying attention. All I am certain of is that at some point someone quoted the Irish Blessing: Road rise up; wind at back yadda yadda! At least no one tried to attribute it to the book of Proverbs at this commencement.
They sang the Star Spangled Banner and while I love the song, I hate that people feel the need to pretend to be Whitney Houston trying out for American Idol (the Super Bowl Whitney-not the drug addicted Whitney that has become an E! News staple and is often featured on The Soup). Will someone please put an end to this?! (the singing not Whitney Houston...I think)
When did it become necessary to show a picture slide show depicting the journey from infant to pre-adolescent to "young adult". If you want to look at each others baby pictures, fine! But I'm pretty sure that's why they made Facebook. Why must I be subjected to this? I neither care how cute/ugly you were as a baby nor do I care to revisit the ugly/awkward stage every teen goes through. And can somebody please select some song other than the Friends theme song?
Next on the agenda are the speeches. An interminable lineup of students and teachers crying and telling each other how much they love and will miss each other despite the fact that they have spent the last four years as adversaries. Kids sobbing about how much they're going to miss spending time with each other. Which is a crock because you would only miss them if you sat in your room and never attempted to make a new friend. I was very close to each one of my fellow graduates (when there are only 7 of you and one of those is your brother, it's hard not to be) but I don't pine for them or miss them or really think about them very often. Life is way too busy to spend time missing your high school chums. Besides, now adays with Facebook and twitter and the such, are they really ever gone?
I now turn my attention to the awards. Every year in every high school they recognize the two smartest kids as the Valedictorian and Salutatorian. Then these two usually get up and make us all wonder- "If these are the best and brightest, how imbecilic must the rest of the class be?" I would like to express my pride and utter delight that my very own Brianna Pixomatis received the Heritage Award for Virtue for displaying a life of integrity and character and being an example of virtue to her fellow classmates. Way to go Bri, we love you. I would now like to present an award of my own to one Kirill Gamaley. You deserve something after going through childhood with a name that sounds like it was ripped from a J. R. R. Tolkien book.
Pretty soon they will hand out all of the diplomas and the kids will switch their tassels from the right to the left side of their caps and the principal will announce them officially as the 2010 graduates. At this point they will all toss their caps in the air. I am not sure who started this tradition or how many eyes have been put out by it. I wonder how many young and promising lives have been cut short because somebody decided to hurl a pointy object into the air.
Well, the ceremony is winding down and my ears are about to burst from the whooping and screaming every three seconds (if that last line made me sound old then I don't care! Just leave me be and let me eat my bran in peace). I must go home and rest up because it's more of the same tomorrow with graduation parties to attend. Yeah me!