We spent the last morning of our cruise enjoying breakfast in bed and watching G.I. Joe. The Breakfast was delicious. I had a Spanish omelet and my lovely had French toast. I washed it down with some Columbian coffee and Nicole had a glass of freshly squeezed Florida orange juice. There was also a plate of Hawaiian pineapple and various Mexican fruits. It was as internationally diverse as the staff of the cruise ship. Although my omelet tried to conquer and enslave the fruit but was held off by a joint task force of the coffee and American fruits and as usual, the toast surrendered at the first sign of trouble.
The movie was hilarious but not for the reasons that the film makers intended. First of all, there were so many inaccuracies that it was ridiculous. Duke was played by Channing Tatum of Step It Up Fame. A colossal fail when you think that Duke should never have been played by someone who might, at any moment, break into a dance routine. Dennis Quaid as Admiral Hawk was good casting but Sienna Miller as the Baroness and Joseph Gordon Levitt as Cobra Commander were laughable. Secondly, the plot was acceptable but poorly executed and there were so many continuity errors that it must have gone straight from the camera to the theater without ever darkening the door of an editing booth.
After breakfast and the debacle known as GI Joe, we went to the sports deck to enter a miniature golf double tournament. There were only nine holes so the idea was for you and your partner to both play and then combine your scores. Nicole and I finished dead last! As a matter of fact we were six shots worse than the next closest team. In our defense it was so incredibly windy that on one hole I putted the ball from the same spot four times. I would putt it and it would travel right up to the lip of the hole before the wind would catch it and blow it back to the wall where I was standing. Several times this happened to both of us on several holes. It was frustrating and funny at the same time.
We then continued our ping pong rivalry. Nicole won. Whatever.
We went back to the screening room and watched Land of the Lost. The movie was cleaned up to be suitable for all audiences and Nicole and I laughed heartily (not so much with the movie as laughing at the sheer stupidity). There was one small issue and this compels me to leave all of the tweens aboard the ship off of my muster list. Towards the end of the movie a balloon animal activity let out and all of the stupid tweens came pouring into the room with their latex menagerie in tow. It wouldn’t have been so bad except they kept talking, whacking each other with their balloons and getting up and down. There were two girls who were especially annoying as they went out into the hallway just outside the entrance to the room and began talking with the Jonas brothers wannabes who had been watching the movie from there. I was a torrent of emotions as I was gleefully laughing at the comical and not so witty banter of Will Ferrell and Danny McBride one moment and seething with anger at the pre-pubescent riffraff that cluttered our room the next.
I blame the parents. Look, I understand the desire to be free of the responsibilities of parenthood occasionally. But if you want to do that then leave the kids with grandparents or neighbors, or at the very least, find some homeless person who needs a place to stay for a week. But whatever you decide to do-DON’T RUIN MY VACATION BY BRINGING YOUR STUPID KIDS AND LETTING THEM RUN ROUGHSHOD ALL OVER THE SHIP. I hope you paid attention when you were car-pooling your kids to swim practice because your entire family is going to have to tread water where you’ll be forced to keep an eye on them.
The last activity of the wonderful week of cruising was a variety show. It started off with the cruise director performing a rousing rendition of Mustang Sally and was immediately followed by Jimmy the Aerialist who hung from a hoop often by one hand and swung over the audience. He was good but hard for me to watch because I kept envisioning him slipping and landing on me-since I decided to sit in the very front row for this show. After Jimmy finished we were treated to the comedy of A.J. Jamal who apparently had a stint on In Living Color although I don’t remember him from the show. He was funny and told some funny jokes. Then came the finale when the ship’s crew gave themselves a pat on the back and forced us to give them a huge round of applause. They made several references to all of the staff members who work for tips and encouraged us to be generous with our gratuities. It was entirely self serving and sealed the fate of the entire crew.
After dinner we walked the length of the ship one last time and retired to our cabin to pack up. I haven’t gone back over my notes to count how many people actually made it on to my life boat and I probably won’t. I do know that there is plenty of room in my life boat as there are very few people who are worthy enough to share this space. There is room for the standby spring breakers but they won’t be getting on my boat since they ditched us for some of their friends. I hope you enjoyed dining with them and I hope you are good swimmers.
All in all it was a great week spent with a great woman and I wouldn’t have done anything different. There would have been a few less people on board, but it would have been very similar. To all of those people who annoyed, bothered or inconvenienced me I want you to know I don’t really hate you and I don’t wish any of you to drown- I wouldn’t shed a tear, but I don’t really want you to die. Please let this be a learning experience for you. Grow from this-learn to be less annoying, learn to be a better person. And if you do, and you appreciate what I’ve done for you, please know that I accept tips.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
My Cruising Musing: Day Six
Day 6
This is our second day at sea. I am fairly uncomfortable with my sunburn but capable of enjoying the day in spite of this. My wife and I entered a Ping-Pong tournament. We both easily won our first round games but we lost our second round games because the activities director doesn’t know the rules to ping pong (and since we just hosted a ping-pong tournament we are very well aware of them). He was allowing illegal serves which we normally just let go but were required to play in this tournament. It was hard to adjust to this sloppy kind of play and by the time I managed, it was too late. I was also at a great disadvantage as the table I played my second game on was out in the open and subject to the elements. I ended up playing into a 39 mph wind. Several times I tossed the ball up to serve and when I brought my paddle through to hit the ball, it had moved several feet to the side. I’ll concede defeat to Fabiano (my opponent) but not a spot in my life boat.
Today was a mostly relaxing kind of day. We took in a trivia contest at 2; Nicole Scrapbooked at 3; Name that tune TV show at 5; we also watched UP (well the first 45 minutes of it) in the screening room. It was a nice day. We stayed inside mostly because of the wind and our sun burns. There are quite a few people who walk around in a constant state of drunkenness. I am not sure if Alcohol helps you float, but for their sake I hope so.
This was also the day the teenagers became restless as a countless number of half eaten ice cream cones rained down on the glass tops of the elevators with a splat and slid down the sides. This upset all the old women who threatened to put on even more perfume and beat the kids with their canes. I am not sure that I will ever take kids (be they 6 or sixteen) on a cruise. I figure their parents spent roughly $600 dollars to take these ungrateful urchins on a beautiful ship to the picturesque landscape of the Mexican Riviera-what do these morons do? Spend all day in the stupid elevators. These kids should be locked in their cabins and their parents should be beaten about the face and neck.
This was also our second formal evening and we received the pre-meal appetizers we were supposed to receive as part of our special package. They delivered them to our room for us to enjoy while we dressed to go to dinner. What they gave to us was a plate of tiny Canapes. Which I assume is French for crap on a crappy cracker. They were nasty and by far the worst food I had tasted of the entire cruise (and I had Escargot). However, they did redeem themselves that night with the Lobster. This was easily the best lobster I have had in my life. It was so good in fact that everyone at our table had seconds.
After dinner we returned to our room and watched the rest of UP. We enjoyed the after dinner sweets that were also a part of the package that we were supposed to receive earlier in the week. It was an assortment of chocolate covered treats and they were delicious. We were both still a little too burned to spend too much time out with the general population so we decided to call it a night.
This is our second day at sea. I am fairly uncomfortable with my sunburn but capable of enjoying the day in spite of this. My wife and I entered a Ping-Pong tournament. We both easily won our first round games but we lost our second round games because the activities director doesn’t know the rules to ping pong (and since we just hosted a ping-pong tournament we are very well aware of them). He was allowing illegal serves which we normally just let go but were required to play in this tournament. It was hard to adjust to this sloppy kind of play and by the time I managed, it was too late. I was also at a great disadvantage as the table I played my second game on was out in the open and subject to the elements. I ended up playing into a 39 mph wind. Several times I tossed the ball up to serve and when I brought my paddle through to hit the ball, it had moved several feet to the side. I’ll concede defeat to Fabiano (my opponent) but not a spot in my life boat.
Today was a mostly relaxing kind of day. We took in a trivia contest at 2; Nicole Scrapbooked at 3; Name that tune TV show at 5; we also watched UP (well the first 45 minutes of it) in the screening room. It was a nice day. We stayed inside mostly because of the wind and our sun burns. There are quite a few people who walk around in a constant state of drunkenness. I am not sure if Alcohol helps you float, but for their sake I hope so.
This was also the day the teenagers became restless as a countless number of half eaten ice cream cones rained down on the glass tops of the elevators with a splat and slid down the sides. This upset all the old women who threatened to put on even more perfume and beat the kids with their canes. I am not sure that I will ever take kids (be they 6 or sixteen) on a cruise. I figure their parents spent roughly $600 dollars to take these ungrateful urchins on a beautiful ship to the picturesque landscape of the Mexican Riviera-what do these morons do? Spend all day in the stupid elevators. These kids should be locked in their cabins and their parents should be beaten about the face and neck.
This was also our second formal evening and we received the pre-meal appetizers we were supposed to receive as part of our special package. They delivered them to our room for us to enjoy while we dressed to go to dinner. What they gave to us was a plate of tiny Canapes. Which I assume is French for crap on a crappy cracker. They were nasty and by far the worst food I had tasted of the entire cruise (and I had Escargot). However, they did redeem themselves that night with the Lobster. This was easily the best lobster I have had in my life. It was so good in fact that everyone at our table had seconds.
After dinner we returned to our room and watched the rest of UP. We enjoyed the after dinner sweets that were also a part of the package that we were supposed to receive earlier in the week. It was an assortment of chocolate covered treats and they were delicious. We were both still a little too burned to spend too much time out with the general population so we decided to call it a night.
Friday, April 2, 2010
My Cruising Musing: Day Five
Day Five:
We were up early and out on the dock of Puerto Vallarta by 8:30 am. We walked over to a waiting area where we awaited our sail boat to come and sweep us away to our Banderas Bay excursion. We motored out of the port and to the open water. On our way to our destination, we spotted a mother and a baby whale that proceeded to put on a show for us. They surfaced several times and even did the whole jump out of the water and land making a big splash which I soon learned was called Breaching. It was easily the highlight of our excursions. Once we arrived to our spot we set anchor and jumped into the water. It was awesome!
There were a couple of problems on this excursion. First, we both got cooked. We put sunscreen on and everything, but we look like a couple of freshly boiled lobsters. The second problem was that due to the nature of the smallish sailing vessel, we were forced to interact with the other people on the trip (something we had largely managed to avoid on our other excursions). There were a couple of gay guys who were flaming! They didn’t want to steer the boat, swim or anything else. They only wanted to sit in the sun and drink their frou-frou drinks. There were a couple of ladies from Minnesota. They were nice enough but one of them just wouldn’t shut up. She didn’t have anything interesting to say and would often say the same thing over and over again. There was another couple on the boat with us and I have decided to reserve them a spot in my life boat. Not necessarily for anything they did or didn’t do, but based solely on the fact that she reminds me of my secretary. You see my secretary is very sweet and she has a really cool license plate. It reads, “T BLAAV”, which is an obvious reference to The Princess Bride. So I will rescue this couple in honor of her. As for everyone else on the sail boat, you might want to keep those fancy life jackets.
About a couple of weeks ago I ordered a special package for our stateroom that was supposed to provide a few different amenities including a silver picture frame and one 8X10 portrait, some chocolate covered strawberries and breakfast in bed, among other things. The problem is that I didn’t receive the entire package like it was intended. I will spare you the finer details and just say that after three trips to guest relations and several phone calls with various heads of departments, I finally got all of my vouchers. But as a result the entire guest relations team and housekeeping team are all booking a one way trip to the bottom of the ocean.
There was a pre-dinner show. It was called Pure Energy and was a rousing romp through the music of the 80’s. It featured songs by Cyndi Lauper, George Michaels and various other artists who are known by the current generation as pathetic, reality TV stars but at least at one point in their careers were known as musicians. There was also music from Culture Club, Flock of Seagulls, Duran Duran, as well as music from 80's movies: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Top Gun, Risky Business and The Breakfast Club. The dancers and singers were decked out in every neon colored article of clothing imaginable. It was a veritable blast from the past. It made me long for my jean jacket, pegged pants and high-top British Knights.
After dinner I was way too baked (and not the hippie kind of baked, but more like the potato kind of baked) to want to endure anything else so we went back to our room to watch a movie or read, but I ended up falling asleep in like 10 minutes and I don’t regret it a bit.
We were up early and out on the dock of Puerto Vallarta by 8:30 am. We walked over to a waiting area where we awaited our sail boat to come and sweep us away to our Banderas Bay excursion. We motored out of the port and to the open water. On our way to our destination, we spotted a mother and a baby whale that proceeded to put on a show for us. They surfaced several times and even did the whole jump out of the water and land making a big splash which I soon learned was called Breaching. It was easily the highlight of our excursions. Once we arrived to our spot we set anchor and jumped into the water. It was awesome!
There were a couple of problems on this excursion. First, we both got cooked. We put sunscreen on and everything, but we look like a couple of freshly boiled lobsters. The second problem was that due to the nature of the smallish sailing vessel, we were forced to interact with the other people on the trip (something we had largely managed to avoid on our other excursions). There were a couple of gay guys who were flaming! They didn’t want to steer the boat, swim or anything else. They only wanted to sit in the sun and drink their frou-frou drinks. There were a couple of ladies from Minnesota. They were nice enough but one of them just wouldn’t shut up. She didn’t have anything interesting to say and would often say the same thing over and over again. There was another couple on the boat with us and I have decided to reserve them a spot in my life boat. Not necessarily for anything they did or didn’t do, but based solely on the fact that she reminds me of my secretary. You see my secretary is very sweet and she has a really cool license plate. It reads, “T BLAAV”, which is an obvious reference to The Princess Bride. So I will rescue this couple in honor of her. As for everyone else on the sail boat, you might want to keep those fancy life jackets.
About a couple of weeks ago I ordered a special package for our stateroom that was supposed to provide a few different amenities including a silver picture frame and one 8X10 portrait, some chocolate covered strawberries and breakfast in bed, among other things. The problem is that I didn’t receive the entire package like it was intended. I will spare you the finer details and just say that after three trips to guest relations and several phone calls with various heads of departments, I finally got all of my vouchers. But as a result the entire guest relations team and housekeeping team are all booking a one way trip to the bottom of the ocean.
There was a pre-dinner show. It was called Pure Energy and was a rousing romp through the music of the 80’s. It featured songs by Cyndi Lauper, George Michaels and various other artists who are known by the current generation as pathetic, reality TV stars but at least at one point in their careers were known as musicians. There was also music from Culture Club, Flock of Seagulls, Duran Duran, as well as music from 80's movies: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Top Gun, Risky Business and The Breakfast Club. The dancers and singers were decked out in every neon colored article of clothing imaginable. It was a veritable blast from the past. It made me long for my jean jacket, pegged pants and high-top British Knights.
After dinner I was way too baked (and not the hippie kind of baked, but more like the potato kind of baked) to want to endure anything else so we went back to our room to watch a movie or read, but I ended up falling asleep in like 10 minutes and I don’t regret it a bit.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
My Cruising Musing: Day Four
Day Four:
We are now sitting at the dock in Mazatlan. It is far more like the Mexico that you think about when you think of Mexico. It isn’t a resort destination as much as it’s an industrial type city. The people here live much closer to the poverty level than their Cabo counterparts.
Our shore excursion for the day was a Mexican show/sightseeing and shopping adventure. We loaded on to a double decker bus with a guide who spoke marginal English (he was constantly asking the bus driver for the correct word to say, while the bus driver would give him the “can’t you see I am a bus driver and therefore I don’t need to know English” look). We watched some cliff divers do their thing and I watched as Nicole talked some vendor into giving us both a pair of sunglasses for less than half of what he originally asked. I am now the proud owner of some almost-ray bans.
After that we went to a little theater called El Spectaculare. It means “The Spectaculare”. Here we were treated to some chips and bean dip and a live Mexican dancing show. The show was a historical record of the different cultures of the Mexican Indians supposedly before the Europeans came in and ruined everything. It was entertaining, but not really my sort of thing. I think Nicole enjoyed it but it’s not like any of these people are getting on my life boat.
After the show we went to The Golden Zone. This is the place that supposedly will satisfy all of your shopping needs. I did find a ring that I liked. It resembled the one I purchased in Ensenada on my last cruise but which has recently broken. The guy told me that it cost $42 but that for me he would sell it for $35. I told him no and he wanted to know what I was willing to pay. I explained that I didn’t want to insult him because I wasn’t willing to pay more than $10. After dropping the price to 22, I told him no thanks and walked away. After walking along for 4-5 more minutes, he sent his kid to offer me the ring for $15. I told him $10 and he said $15 was reasonable. I told him $8 and was willing to walk away ring-less. He finally conceded $10 and I paid the boy and got my ring. I am sure I still paid more than I should have but I am happy.
Once our shopping trip was over, we returned to the ship. We had some lunch at the Johnny Rockets on board and went to play some ping pong on the sports deck. My wife beat me the first game 21-16 and insisted she was back and more than capable of dominating me at the sport that she had taught me how to play when we were in college. In a move that I can only assume was a desperate attempt at hold that win over my head for as long as possible, she tried to walk away after just one game. I insisted that we switch sides of the table and continue. I eventually won out but she jumped out to an early 15-6 lead before I stormed back and won 21-18. I have righted the ping pong universe.
Following dinner, we went to a Love and Marriage game show, which was basically a newly-wed game featuring a honeymooning couple, a couple who had been married for forty-seven years and a couple who had been married for 30 years. This was a hilarious game show as you may expect. At one point the contestants had to fill in the blank: “You haven’t seen ugly until you’ve seen my wife’s________.” The older gentleman showed that with age comes wisdom when he answered, “You haven’t seen ugly until you’ve seen my wife’s date book.” His reason for this answer was that it was a “safe” answer. When the cruise director read the honeymooners answer he read, “You haven’t seen ugly until you’ve seen my wife’s family. The entire crowd roared and the wife feigned ire. As it turns out, the cruise director made that answer up-the man had actually answered “feet”. The best answer was by the 30 year couple on the last question. The question was: If you’re husband was stranded on a desert island with one other person who would you want it to be, a nun or a stripper and why? The wife answered a nun and her explanation was simply “why do you think?” The Husband’s answer was stripper, but not for the obvious reason. He said and I quote, “Who’s going to try to rescue a nun?”
Right before the show started there were some obnoxious people who were trying to get on the show so they just walked themselves up on stage and sat in the chairs. When the stage hand came out to tell them to leave, they gave him a hard time. When it came time to pick the contestants, they claimed they were honeymooners than they claimed they had been married for 26 years. At one point, the cruise director was calling them out. You have to be pretty obnoxious if the cruise director is against you. Somehow these two morons and their friends managed to unite an entire ship of 3,500 people from different countries and cultures in hatred. They are definitely not on my life boat and I will see to it that they don’t get on anyone else’s as well.
The final event of the night was the Midnight Buffet. Traditionally a culinary parade of food and ice sculptures, this looked more like a Hometown Buffet. I was very disappointed. There were a couple of ice sculptures but it was anybody’s guess as to what they were. So despite an otherwise wonderful dining experience this week, I will be forcing the kitchen staff (except our personal wait staff: Komang from Indonesia and Soccoro from India) to remain with the ship. At least the entire ship of fools remaining will have a lovely last meal.
We are now sitting at the dock in Mazatlan. It is far more like the Mexico that you think about when you think of Mexico. It isn’t a resort destination as much as it’s an industrial type city. The people here live much closer to the poverty level than their Cabo counterparts.
Our shore excursion for the day was a Mexican show/sightseeing and shopping adventure. We loaded on to a double decker bus with a guide who spoke marginal English (he was constantly asking the bus driver for the correct word to say, while the bus driver would give him the “can’t you see I am a bus driver and therefore I don’t need to know English” look). We watched some cliff divers do their thing and I watched as Nicole talked some vendor into giving us both a pair of sunglasses for less than half of what he originally asked. I am now the proud owner of some almost-ray bans.
After that we went to a little theater called El Spectaculare. It means “The Spectaculare”. Here we were treated to some chips and bean dip and a live Mexican dancing show. The show was a historical record of the different cultures of the Mexican Indians supposedly before the Europeans came in and ruined everything. It was entertaining, but not really my sort of thing. I think Nicole enjoyed it but it’s not like any of these people are getting on my life boat.
After the show we went to The Golden Zone. This is the place that supposedly will satisfy all of your shopping needs. I did find a ring that I liked. It resembled the one I purchased in Ensenada on my last cruise but which has recently broken. The guy told me that it cost $42 but that for me he would sell it for $35. I told him no and he wanted to know what I was willing to pay. I explained that I didn’t want to insult him because I wasn’t willing to pay more than $10. After dropping the price to 22, I told him no thanks and walked away. After walking along for 4-5 more minutes, he sent his kid to offer me the ring for $15. I told him $10 and he said $15 was reasonable. I told him $8 and was willing to walk away ring-less. He finally conceded $10 and I paid the boy and got my ring. I am sure I still paid more than I should have but I am happy.
Once our shopping trip was over, we returned to the ship. We had some lunch at the Johnny Rockets on board and went to play some ping pong on the sports deck. My wife beat me the first game 21-16 and insisted she was back and more than capable of dominating me at the sport that she had taught me how to play when we were in college. In a move that I can only assume was a desperate attempt at hold that win over my head for as long as possible, she tried to walk away after just one game. I insisted that we switch sides of the table and continue. I eventually won out but she jumped out to an early 15-6 lead before I stormed back and won 21-18. I have righted the ping pong universe.
Following dinner, we went to a Love and Marriage game show, which was basically a newly-wed game featuring a honeymooning couple, a couple who had been married for forty-seven years and a couple who had been married for 30 years. This was a hilarious game show as you may expect. At one point the contestants had to fill in the blank: “You haven’t seen ugly until you’ve seen my wife’s________.” The older gentleman showed that with age comes wisdom when he answered, “You haven’t seen ugly until you’ve seen my wife’s date book.” His reason for this answer was that it was a “safe” answer. When the cruise director read the honeymooners answer he read, “You haven’t seen ugly until you’ve seen my wife’s family. The entire crowd roared and the wife feigned ire. As it turns out, the cruise director made that answer up-the man had actually answered “feet”. The best answer was by the 30 year couple on the last question. The question was: If you’re husband was stranded on a desert island with one other person who would you want it to be, a nun or a stripper and why? The wife answered a nun and her explanation was simply “why do you think?” The Husband’s answer was stripper, but not for the obvious reason. He said and I quote, “Who’s going to try to rescue a nun?”
Right before the show started there were some obnoxious people who were trying to get on the show so they just walked themselves up on stage and sat in the chairs. When the stage hand came out to tell them to leave, they gave him a hard time. When it came time to pick the contestants, they claimed they were honeymooners than they claimed they had been married for 26 years. At one point, the cruise director was calling them out. You have to be pretty obnoxious if the cruise director is against you. Somehow these two morons and their friends managed to unite an entire ship of 3,500 people from different countries and cultures in hatred. They are definitely not on my life boat and I will see to it that they don’t get on anyone else’s as well.
The final event of the night was the Midnight Buffet. Traditionally a culinary parade of food and ice sculptures, this looked more like a Hometown Buffet. I was very disappointed. There were a couple of ice sculptures but it was anybody’s guess as to what they were. So despite an otherwise wonderful dining experience this week, I will be forcing the kitchen staff (except our personal wait staff: Komang from Indonesia and Soccoro from India) to remain with the ship. At least the entire ship of fools remaining will have a lovely last meal.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
My Cruising Musing: Day Three
Day Three:
Cabo San Lucas- We’ve arrived at our first port and we are excited to get off the ship and experience Mexico. We have a shore excursion planned but not until later, so we will be doing a bit of shopping first. Due to the shallow nature of the pier in Cabo the ship must dock off shore and we have to take tenders to the dock. If you’ve never experienced this, it is as much like a cattle call as I have ever seen- not that I’m a cowboy and have driven a herd across the prairie, but I have seen a few westerns and this has all the earmarks of a cattle drive. You have the cattle whose part is being played by all the cruise ship passengers grunting in protest and occasionally taking a swipe at their fellow cattle as they are herded down the passageways by the cowboys who are adorned in yellow t-shirts and blue wind-pants.
Once on land we made our way around the harbor to the shopping district. All along the way we were bombarded by people wanting us to ride in their water taxi or glass bottom boat. There were also plenty of vendors peddling their wares. Plenty of them were trying to sell wooden whistles that were shaped like turtles and painted in vibrant colors. The problem I had with this was that they would blow on a whistle to attract attention to themselves, but (and I watched carefully for this) they didn’t use one designated whistle. They would pick up any random whistle and blow into it. I have no desire to purchase a pre-blown whistle. While in town we scored some awesome souvenirs. My favorite was the Mexican style wrestling masks we picked up for my bros. in law and the one that looks just like Nacho Libre’s for my father in law. Can’t wait to see them don their masks and fly off the top rope.
We went on our shore excursion which was a coastal highlights tour. It was nice at first but it dragged on a little too long. We got to see Giorgio’s which is a beautiful restaurant situated on a bluff overlooking the cape of Saint Luke (Cabo San Lucas for all you non-Spanish speaking people). The view was gorgeous and well worth the price of the tour. We went to a glass factory where we saw a young man blow and mold hot glass into a sea turtle in just moments. My wife even got to serve as apprentice and blow a piece of hot glass into something that resembled Snoopy in a Picasso.
After this we took a 25 minute bus ride (the bus driver did an excellent job and I will allow him to come aboard and serve as my lifeboat pilot) to San Jose Los Cabos which you may recognize as the home of Speedy Gonzalez’s girlfriend, Rosita. Along the way several stars homes were pointed out to us. We saw Julia Roberts’ place, Sammy Haggar’s abode and a home that O.J. Simpson owned before he sold it and moved into the more secure community where he currently resides. This is where tour started to drag on and on. They dropped us off in a little Plaza that had more of an Ensenada feel than a Cabo feel to it. Its main claim to fame is a little mission which is most notable (it even has a mural over the front door depicting the event) for its founder being brutally slain by the Pericues Indians which he was trying to “convert” (which is apparently Spanish for forcing them to wear clothing and enslave them to work their gardens and build their missions). Great “highlight” Mexico! What- was the museum of the atrocities of the Spanish conquistadors closed for renovation?
After this we were all too happy to get back to our ship and relax. Before we could do that, we had to be subjected to a woman who, if called on to be such, was annoying enough to serve as the Devil’s mother in law and do justice to the title. Allow me to set the scene. We are standing in line to get back on a tender to return to our ship. There is a young couple in front of us and a Persian couple in front of them. The Persian man made the mistake of bumping or interrupting (I’m not quite sure how it went down) the woman in front of him who of course is Cruella De Vil to the infinite power. Instead of ignoring the slight like normal people, this woman went apocalyptic on this guy. She was so condescending and abrasive that everyone around them was embarrassed, including her grown son whom she repeatedly shushed and scolded for trying to rein her in. She lectured this couple on how in America we are known for being friendly and we are polite to one another and we just don’t go around interrupting anyone we want to without apologizing. As the hypocrisy oozed from her every pore, she continued all the way through the line (at least a 15 minute wait) and on to the tender where mercifully enough she was separated from the couple. I wanted to point out a couple of errors in her thinking. One, despite her assertion that we behave a certain way in America, we weren’t even in America so I’m not sure if the same rules apply across the board and I don’t know where she lives but we aren’t overly friendly and polite to one another. Two, her offense against this couple and everyone else in hearing distance was far more egregious than any offense they could have perpetrated on her. Not only will I exclude her from my life boat but I will offer her a life jacket with the foam floats replaced with lead bricks. To Davy Jones’ wit ye! My only fear is that you will think that I have embellished this story for humor’s sake. I have not! If anything I have failed to do it justice. It really was embarrassing!
Before dinner, we went to one of the ship’s song and dance shows. It was supposed to be a varied collection of music across the spectrum and for the most part it was. I am not offering a spot on my life raft to any of the singers and dancers, but I am especially excluding Reese. He was the one dancer whose moves were always less dramatic and about a half second behind everyone else’s. When they’d step, he’d kick. When he finally kicked, the rest of them would drop to the floor. When he finally got down, the rest of the cast had rolled across the floor and were back up on their feet kicking and stepping again. By the end of the show he was so far behind that the theater was completely empty before he finished his routine.
After Dinner we walked the promenade for a little bit and went to another show. This time it featured the Misfit of Comedy, Ed Alonzo. For those of you, who like me, recognize the name but can’t exactly place him, he is a comedian/magician and, at least to me, is most notable for his gripping and realistic portrayal of a diner owner in Saved By the Bell. I can’t remember if he was the original Max or the replacement Max but either way, he played the zany, magic trick performing owner that gave such sage advice to those poor young souls trying to find their way in the hardened atmosphere of Bayside High School. He was pretty good, had a couple of good tricks and told a few funny jokes-not lifeboat material, but pretty good.
Cabo San Lucas- We’ve arrived at our first port and we are excited to get off the ship and experience Mexico. We have a shore excursion planned but not until later, so we will be doing a bit of shopping first. Due to the shallow nature of the pier in Cabo the ship must dock off shore and we have to take tenders to the dock. If you’ve never experienced this, it is as much like a cattle call as I have ever seen- not that I’m a cowboy and have driven a herd across the prairie, but I have seen a few westerns and this has all the earmarks of a cattle drive. You have the cattle whose part is being played by all the cruise ship passengers grunting in protest and occasionally taking a swipe at their fellow cattle as they are herded down the passageways by the cowboys who are adorned in yellow t-shirts and blue wind-pants.
Once on land we made our way around the harbor to the shopping district. All along the way we were bombarded by people wanting us to ride in their water taxi or glass bottom boat. There were also plenty of vendors peddling their wares. Plenty of them were trying to sell wooden whistles that were shaped like turtles and painted in vibrant colors. The problem I had with this was that they would blow on a whistle to attract attention to themselves, but (and I watched carefully for this) they didn’t use one designated whistle. They would pick up any random whistle and blow into it. I have no desire to purchase a pre-blown whistle. While in town we scored some awesome souvenirs. My favorite was the Mexican style wrestling masks we picked up for my bros. in law and the one that looks just like Nacho Libre’s for my father in law. Can’t wait to see them don their masks and fly off the top rope.
We went on our shore excursion which was a coastal highlights tour. It was nice at first but it dragged on a little too long. We got to see Giorgio’s which is a beautiful restaurant situated on a bluff overlooking the cape of Saint Luke (Cabo San Lucas for all you non-Spanish speaking people). The view was gorgeous and well worth the price of the tour. We went to a glass factory where we saw a young man blow and mold hot glass into a sea turtle in just moments. My wife even got to serve as apprentice and blow a piece of hot glass into something that resembled Snoopy in a Picasso.
After this we took a 25 minute bus ride (the bus driver did an excellent job and I will allow him to come aboard and serve as my lifeboat pilot) to San Jose Los Cabos which you may recognize as the home of Speedy Gonzalez’s girlfriend, Rosita. Along the way several stars homes were pointed out to us. We saw Julia Roberts’ place, Sammy Haggar’s abode and a home that O.J. Simpson owned before he sold it and moved into the more secure community where he currently resides. This is where tour started to drag on and on. They dropped us off in a little Plaza that had more of an Ensenada feel than a Cabo feel to it. Its main claim to fame is a little mission which is most notable (it even has a mural over the front door depicting the event) for its founder being brutally slain by the Pericues Indians which he was trying to “convert” (which is apparently Spanish for forcing them to wear clothing and enslave them to work their gardens and build their missions). Great “highlight” Mexico! What- was the museum of the atrocities of the Spanish conquistadors closed for renovation?
After this we were all too happy to get back to our ship and relax. Before we could do that, we had to be subjected to a woman who, if called on to be such, was annoying enough to serve as the Devil’s mother in law and do justice to the title. Allow me to set the scene. We are standing in line to get back on a tender to return to our ship. There is a young couple in front of us and a Persian couple in front of them. The Persian man made the mistake of bumping or interrupting (I’m not quite sure how it went down) the woman in front of him who of course is Cruella De Vil to the infinite power. Instead of ignoring the slight like normal people, this woman went apocalyptic on this guy. She was so condescending and abrasive that everyone around them was embarrassed, including her grown son whom she repeatedly shushed and scolded for trying to rein her in. She lectured this couple on how in America we are known for being friendly and we are polite to one another and we just don’t go around interrupting anyone we want to without apologizing. As the hypocrisy oozed from her every pore, she continued all the way through the line (at least a 15 minute wait) and on to the tender where mercifully enough she was separated from the couple. I wanted to point out a couple of errors in her thinking. One, despite her assertion that we behave a certain way in America, we weren’t even in America so I’m not sure if the same rules apply across the board and I don’t know where she lives but we aren’t overly friendly and polite to one another. Two, her offense against this couple and everyone else in hearing distance was far more egregious than any offense they could have perpetrated on her. Not only will I exclude her from my life boat but I will offer her a life jacket with the foam floats replaced with lead bricks. To Davy Jones’ wit ye! My only fear is that you will think that I have embellished this story for humor’s sake. I have not! If anything I have failed to do it justice. It really was embarrassing!
Before dinner, we went to one of the ship’s song and dance shows. It was supposed to be a varied collection of music across the spectrum and for the most part it was. I am not offering a spot on my life raft to any of the singers and dancers, but I am especially excluding Reese. He was the one dancer whose moves were always less dramatic and about a half second behind everyone else’s. When they’d step, he’d kick. When he finally kicked, the rest of them would drop to the floor. When he finally got down, the rest of the cast had rolled across the floor and were back up on their feet kicking and stepping again. By the end of the show he was so far behind that the theater was completely empty before he finished his routine.
After Dinner we walked the promenade for a little bit and went to another show. This time it featured the Misfit of Comedy, Ed Alonzo. For those of you, who like me, recognize the name but can’t exactly place him, he is a comedian/magician and, at least to me, is most notable for his gripping and realistic portrayal of a diner owner in Saved By the Bell. I can’t remember if he was the original Max or the replacement Max but either way, he played the zany, magic trick performing owner that gave such sage advice to those poor young souls trying to find their way in the hardened atmosphere of Bayside High School. He was pretty good, had a couple of good tricks and told a few funny jokes-not lifeboat material, but pretty good.
Monday, March 29, 2010
My Cruising Musing: Day Two
Day Two:
This is our first day at sea. We will not be docking today. We took advantage of this relaxing day with nothing scheduled and slept in. It is extremely easy to sleep in when you have an interior room. I’ve heard the expression “it’s so dark you can’t see your hand in front of your face,” but I’ve never actually experienced it until now. Our room is so dark with the lights off that there is no way of knowing what time of day it is. It seems really weird for it to be 9:30 in the morning but feel like it could still be 3:30 am.
So with nothing scheduled today, I set about to find someone whom I was willing to allow in my life boat. I could find no man. Instead I found plenty of people I was willing to set adrift. You know that commercial with the guy walking down the street while some upbeat music plays-the top half of his body is still but his legs are all over the place? Well, there is a kid walking up and down the promenade who fancies himself like that commercial. As he walks he moves his body (arms mostly) to some imaginary beat that only he can hear. Part of me feels sorry for this kid because he is here on a cruise with his parents and apparently he is an only child forced to entertain himself. The other part of me realizes that there are plenty of things to do and for someone who tries so desperately to be noticed (albeit a feeble attempt) he goes about it in all the wrong ways. Instead of grooving your way up and down the promenade waiting for Russell Simmons to recognize you and put you in a music video, why don’t you go to one of the plethora of activities that are geared for and overflowing with kids your age and make a friend or two. Here’s hoping that all those nifty dance moves help you tread water longer.
There was a three on three basketball tournament today. I was in need of a little exercise so I thought I might run a little bit with the big boys. I got there early to work on my game. Instead of an hour early I should have come a year early but I doubt I would have been any more ready. I signed up and got placed on a team with an older guy with a bad knee and no hands, and a younger guy with a couple of 1 carat cubic zirconium earrings (which really tells you all you need to know about him). They sent us to the court to warm up and shoot around. This is really a waste of time. All that happens during these shoot arounds is that bad players show how bad they are but blame it on a different court/rim/ball then they’re used to using, and the good players just thoroughly intimidate the marginal players like me.
My team was up first and we went to the court to meet our opponents. The shortest guy on their team stood two inches taller than me. The guy that I had to defend was 6’5” and massive. He was also one of the good players. I was as intimidated as a freshman on his first day in gym class. Trying not to show it, I stepped on to the court and took my position next to Goliath. The ball was tossed in and the game was under way. I was certain of one thing: My guy may score all the points for his team but he was going to have to do it as far away from the basket as I could push him. I hustled and pushed and he wasn’t sure what to expect. I ended up holding my own against him for a while. I even scored one really nice basket that generated “oohs” from the crowd and stunned looks on the faces of my opponents and team mates. But then the Big Friendly Giant realized that even when I jump and wave my hands he can still see the basket clearly. He sank a couple of threes and the game was over like that. He was a little bruised and broken but he was a good sport about it so I will happily allow him into my life boat.
Tonight was the first formal dining evening. I would at this point like to offer a life jacket and a life saver (not a life boat) to all the people who have no idea what the word “formal” means. Please allow me to define it as follows: Formal Wear-Men should wear Suits with a shirt and tie (tuxedos are acceptable), Ladies should either wear a dress or skirt. Now you may not agree with me on this one, but I don’t really care whether you do or don’t (if you haven’t figured out by now that I don’t need your validation to express my opinions then you just haven’t been paying attention). I don’t think it is asking too much for people to dress up once in a while, and I mean dress up. Even if you are a “jeans and t-shirt” kind of person-a collared shirt and nice jeans is NOT dressing up. Some of you troglodytes may be thinking, “To me that is dressing up.” Guys, how big of a baby do you have to be if you can’t wear a suit and tie once in a while. No one’s asking you to run a marathon or change out the flywheel on a ’71 Chevy Chevelle, just walk around with your lady for a while and sit down to a fine dinner. So for all of you Neanderthals, who can’t bring yourself to look nice even for your beloved, be prepared to jump ship in the event of an emergency because you aren’t getting on my boat. Hey, I’ll even let you wear a t-shirt and jeans, sharks are far more accommodating that way. Babies!
I also wish to set all old women adrift. Not because I believe in casting aside unwanted members of society (okay I do but it has nothing to do with their age) but because they think that a pair of slacks and a blouse with a garish number of sequins on it constitutes formal attire. It does not! You just look like a fancy crossing guard with your reflective shirt. Also, try using about a gallon less of whatever industrial strength perfume you bathe in so as not to give anyone within a 5 mile radius an instant headache. It’s particularly pungent when you step into an elevator in which one of these olfactory assailants has been riding.
Bon Voyage old gals, the good news is that I understand that sharks have a highly developed sense of smell and that should keep you safe. On the other hand it may also kill every fish around you.
This is our first day at sea. We will not be docking today. We took advantage of this relaxing day with nothing scheduled and slept in. It is extremely easy to sleep in when you have an interior room. I’ve heard the expression “it’s so dark you can’t see your hand in front of your face,” but I’ve never actually experienced it until now. Our room is so dark with the lights off that there is no way of knowing what time of day it is. It seems really weird for it to be 9:30 in the morning but feel like it could still be 3:30 am.
So with nothing scheduled today, I set about to find someone whom I was willing to allow in my life boat. I could find no man. Instead I found plenty of people I was willing to set adrift. You know that commercial with the guy walking down the street while some upbeat music plays-the top half of his body is still but his legs are all over the place? Well, there is a kid walking up and down the promenade who fancies himself like that commercial. As he walks he moves his body (arms mostly) to some imaginary beat that only he can hear. Part of me feels sorry for this kid because he is here on a cruise with his parents and apparently he is an only child forced to entertain himself. The other part of me realizes that there are plenty of things to do and for someone who tries so desperately to be noticed (albeit a feeble attempt) he goes about it in all the wrong ways. Instead of grooving your way up and down the promenade waiting for Russell Simmons to recognize you and put you in a music video, why don’t you go to one of the plethora of activities that are geared for and overflowing with kids your age and make a friend or two. Here’s hoping that all those nifty dance moves help you tread water longer.
There was a three on three basketball tournament today. I was in need of a little exercise so I thought I might run a little bit with the big boys. I got there early to work on my game. Instead of an hour early I should have come a year early but I doubt I would have been any more ready. I signed up and got placed on a team with an older guy with a bad knee and no hands, and a younger guy with a couple of 1 carat cubic zirconium earrings (which really tells you all you need to know about him). They sent us to the court to warm up and shoot around. This is really a waste of time. All that happens during these shoot arounds is that bad players show how bad they are but blame it on a different court/rim/ball then they’re used to using, and the good players just thoroughly intimidate the marginal players like me.
My team was up first and we went to the court to meet our opponents. The shortest guy on their team stood two inches taller than me. The guy that I had to defend was 6’5” and massive. He was also one of the good players. I was as intimidated as a freshman on his first day in gym class. Trying not to show it, I stepped on to the court and took my position next to Goliath. The ball was tossed in and the game was under way. I was certain of one thing: My guy may score all the points for his team but he was going to have to do it as far away from the basket as I could push him. I hustled and pushed and he wasn’t sure what to expect. I ended up holding my own against him for a while. I even scored one really nice basket that generated “oohs” from the crowd and stunned looks on the faces of my opponents and team mates. But then the Big Friendly Giant realized that even when I jump and wave my hands he can still see the basket clearly. He sank a couple of threes and the game was over like that. He was a little bruised and broken but he was a good sport about it so I will happily allow him into my life boat.
Tonight was the first formal dining evening. I would at this point like to offer a life jacket and a life saver (not a life boat) to all the people who have no idea what the word “formal” means. Please allow me to define it as follows: Formal Wear-Men should wear Suits with a shirt and tie (tuxedos are acceptable), Ladies should either wear a dress or skirt. Now you may not agree with me on this one, but I don’t really care whether you do or don’t (if you haven’t figured out by now that I don’t need your validation to express my opinions then you just haven’t been paying attention). I don’t think it is asking too much for people to dress up once in a while, and I mean dress up. Even if you are a “jeans and t-shirt” kind of person-a collared shirt and nice jeans is NOT dressing up. Some of you troglodytes may be thinking, “To me that is dressing up.” Guys, how big of a baby do you have to be if you can’t wear a suit and tie once in a while. No one’s asking you to run a marathon or change out the flywheel on a ’71 Chevy Chevelle, just walk around with your lady for a while and sit down to a fine dinner. So for all of you Neanderthals, who can’t bring yourself to look nice even for your beloved, be prepared to jump ship in the event of an emergency because you aren’t getting on my boat. Hey, I’ll even let you wear a t-shirt and jeans, sharks are far more accommodating that way. Babies!
I also wish to set all old women adrift. Not because I believe in casting aside unwanted members of society (okay I do but it has nothing to do with their age) but because they think that a pair of slacks and a blouse with a garish number of sequins on it constitutes formal attire. It does not! You just look like a fancy crossing guard with your reflective shirt. Also, try using about a gallon less of whatever industrial strength perfume you bathe in so as not to give anyone within a 5 mile radius an instant headache. It’s particularly pungent when you step into an elevator in which one of these olfactory assailants has been riding.
Bon Voyage old gals, the good news is that I understand that sharks have a highly developed sense of smell and that should keep you safe. On the other hand it may also kill every fish around you.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
My Cruising Musing: Day One
Day 1:
So after weeks of anticipation (not the mark days off on your calendar kind but the little kid waking up 20 times on Christmas Eve ready to burst forth and open all his presents only to find its only been two hours since he went to bed), the day of embarkation has finally arrived. We are even more excited. We’ve left the boys with Grandma (Grandpa will be there too but let’s not kid ourselves about who will be doing the lion’s share of the babysitting this week) and we’re headed to Long Beach to board our luxury cruise liner. I am a little stressed out at this point because through some unforeseen events we are leaving a little later than planned and are dangerously close to being too late to start the boarding process.
I am driving like a madman, and Nicole is praying for Divine intervention and safety (although the safety prayers were more shouts and they were generally screamed in my direction). We follow the directions we’ve obtained perfectly; the only problem was they were directions to the port of Los Angeles, not to our specific berth. The entire port is enormous and our directions have taken us to an area that is reminiscent of every dock or pier scene I’ve ever seen on 24. I am waiting for some deranged terrorist who has gotten his hands on a nuclear weapon and been able to smuggle it into the country with the help of some high up government insiders and one strategically placed member of CTU, to come out and destroy my vacation plans. I’d like to see him try. He’ll be begging for Jack Bauer’s merciful ways once I am through with him. We called the cruise hotline and they got us directions to the proper berth and we made it to the parking area with 21 minutes to spare.
We went through the security check point with complete ease. These people have it down so much smoother than TSA. We found our appropriate boarding line and walked right up to the counter (mostly because everyone else was on the ship and had been for several hours). Our boarding assistant was an extremely jovial woman. I love it when someone enjoys themselves while they work. If you don’t like your job, then why subject the rest of us to your misery? Just find a different one where you either enjoy your work or you aren’t around other people trying to ruin their good moods. She asked us the standard set of questions: Yes, our bags have been in our possession the entire time; no, we have never had swine flu or any other sickness related to livestock; Yes, I am married, and no, I am not available Saturday night. Now it’s time to board and begin our adventure.
The first thing that strikes you about a cruise ship is its enormity. These things are huge. I think they said it weighs about 138,000 tons. It is an entire city floating on the ocean. We follow directions and stop and ask for more and eventually we find our stateroom. Now the first thing that strikes you about your stateroom is definitely not its enormity. It’s nice, don’t get me wrong, but it’s very much like being a cabbage patch doll in a Barbie house. You fit, but you know it was designed with someone much smaller in mind.
Our first official act as cruisers is to report to our Muster stations to go through the whole emergency drill. We set off to our muster station to meet the people with whom we will be sharing a life raft in the case of some extreme emergency that requires us to abandon ship. The life boats are rather large and can hold up to 150 people, but I am not taking any chances. I don’t want just any 150 people; I want 150 people who are going to be worth saving. I have decided to start compiling my own muster list of the people I will allow in my life boat, should we be struck with some calamity that forces us to “man the long boats”.
First off the list is all the college kids who are here on spring break. Not because they are raucous and rowdy, but because they are on a cruise for spring break. This totally defeats the whole “poor, starving college student” mentality. If you’re that poor and starving, then why in the world would you be on a cruise? Pay your student loans off! Do you not do enough partying during the course of the semester that you have to come and exude youthful rambunctiousness all over my cruise ship? Don’t you have a dissertation to write or a project to complete?
Next off my muster list is the dad and son standing next to me in our muster line. The dad is wearing a Seattle Mariners hat and the son is donning a Chicago White Sox cap. My curiosity got the better of me (as it often does) and I had to ask how one family could support two geographically different teams. There reply was that they don’t support either, they don’t even care for baseball (a travesty to be sure), and that they forgot their hats when they packed so they purchased a couple at the store before they boarded. You couldn’t find some generic hat with the cruise ship’s name on it, or at the very least some nondescript markings. All I’m saying is that if you don’t want someone making casual conversation about the sports teams you apparently support then don’t wear their gear! What this tells me is that you really don’t think things through and when lives are on the line you can’t be counted on. Enjoy going down with the ship guys. I hope it was worth it.
We’ve just met the Captain. His name is Johnny, and despite the fact that every time the crew introduces him they say, “Heeeeeeeeere’s Johnny!” and he comes out pretending to swing a golf club (what I feel is an infringement on copyrighted material), he genuinely tries to be funny and he is mildly entertaining. (That, and he has a bunch of shiny medals on his coat which I think is really cool). This is a considerable step up from the last cruise ship captain, whose draconian command was slightly annoying and certainly unapproachable. So instead of going down with the ship I will allow him into my life boat. As for the rest of his crew, no one else has won me over and as of now, they are all left to float.
We’ve just finished dinner. It was delicious. I had the slow roasted prime rib and a baked potato. I had an onion tart for appetizer and a delicious peach and blueberry cobbler for dessert. We are seated at a table with four other people, a couple from Salt Lake City who are on their honeymoon and a couple of spring breakers from Stanford. The spring breakers have moved to the standby list of my life boat. They are both smart and engaging, not at all like the rest of the rowdy group. The honeymooners are nice and I’ve decided that they can have a spot on my lifeboat; mostly because they are infinitely more engaging conversationalists than the addle-pated nincompoops we were forced to dine with on our first cruise.
Well, we’re headed to bed. The first day of our cruise has come to a close and many, many people have voluntarily removed themselves from the muster list. We plan on sleeping in, having breakfast and relaxing. G’night!
So after weeks of anticipation (not the mark days off on your calendar kind but the little kid waking up 20 times on Christmas Eve ready to burst forth and open all his presents only to find its only been two hours since he went to bed), the day of embarkation has finally arrived. We are even more excited. We’ve left the boys with Grandma (Grandpa will be there too but let’s not kid ourselves about who will be doing the lion’s share of the babysitting this week) and we’re headed to Long Beach to board our luxury cruise liner. I am a little stressed out at this point because through some unforeseen events we are leaving a little later than planned and are dangerously close to being too late to start the boarding process.
I am driving like a madman, and Nicole is praying for Divine intervention and safety (although the safety prayers were more shouts and they were generally screamed in my direction). We follow the directions we’ve obtained perfectly; the only problem was they were directions to the port of Los Angeles, not to our specific berth. The entire port is enormous and our directions have taken us to an area that is reminiscent of every dock or pier scene I’ve ever seen on 24. I am waiting for some deranged terrorist who has gotten his hands on a nuclear weapon and been able to smuggle it into the country with the help of some high up government insiders and one strategically placed member of CTU, to come out and destroy my vacation plans. I’d like to see him try. He’ll be begging for Jack Bauer’s merciful ways once I am through with him. We called the cruise hotline and they got us directions to the proper berth and we made it to the parking area with 21 minutes to spare.
We went through the security check point with complete ease. These people have it down so much smoother than TSA. We found our appropriate boarding line and walked right up to the counter (mostly because everyone else was on the ship and had been for several hours). Our boarding assistant was an extremely jovial woman. I love it when someone enjoys themselves while they work. If you don’t like your job, then why subject the rest of us to your misery? Just find a different one where you either enjoy your work or you aren’t around other people trying to ruin their good moods. She asked us the standard set of questions: Yes, our bags have been in our possession the entire time; no, we have never had swine flu or any other sickness related to livestock; Yes, I am married, and no, I am not available Saturday night. Now it’s time to board and begin our adventure.
The first thing that strikes you about a cruise ship is its enormity. These things are huge. I think they said it weighs about 138,000 tons. It is an entire city floating on the ocean. We follow directions and stop and ask for more and eventually we find our stateroom. Now the first thing that strikes you about your stateroom is definitely not its enormity. It’s nice, don’t get me wrong, but it’s very much like being a cabbage patch doll in a Barbie house. You fit, but you know it was designed with someone much smaller in mind.
Our first official act as cruisers is to report to our Muster stations to go through the whole emergency drill. We set off to our muster station to meet the people with whom we will be sharing a life raft in the case of some extreme emergency that requires us to abandon ship. The life boats are rather large and can hold up to 150 people, but I am not taking any chances. I don’t want just any 150 people; I want 150 people who are going to be worth saving. I have decided to start compiling my own muster list of the people I will allow in my life boat, should we be struck with some calamity that forces us to “man the long boats”.
First off the list is all the college kids who are here on spring break. Not because they are raucous and rowdy, but because they are on a cruise for spring break. This totally defeats the whole “poor, starving college student” mentality. If you’re that poor and starving, then why in the world would you be on a cruise? Pay your student loans off! Do you not do enough partying during the course of the semester that you have to come and exude youthful rambunctiousness all over my cruise ship? Don’t you have a dissertation to write or a project to complete?
Next off my muster list is the dad and son standing next to me in our muster line. The dad is wearing a Seattle Mariners hat and the son is donning a Chicago White Sox cap. My curiosity got the better of me (as it often does) and I had to ask how one family could support two geographically different teams. There reply was that they don’t support either, they don’t even care for baseball (a travesty to be sure), and that they forgot their hats when they packed so they purchased a couple at the store before they boarded. You couldn’t find some generic hat with the cruise ship’s name on it, or at the very least some nondescript markings. All I’m saying is that if you don’t want someone making casual conversation about the sports teams you apparently support then don’t wear their gear! What this tells me is that you really don’t think things through and when lives are on the line you can’t be counted on. Enjoy going down with the ship guys. I hope it was worth it.
We’ve just met the Captain. His name is Johnny, and despite the fact that every time the crew introduces him they say, “Heeeeeeeeere’s Johnny!” and he comes out pretending to swing a golf club (what I feel is an infringement on copyrighted material), he genuinely tries to be funny and he is mildly entertaining. (That, and he has a bunch of shiny medals on his coat which I think is really cool). This is a considerable step up from the last cruise ship captain, whose draconian command was slightly annoying and certainly unapproachable. So instead of going down with the ship I will allow him into my life boat. As for the rest of his crew, no one else has won me over and as of now, they are all left to float.
We’ve just finished dinner. It was delicious. I had the slow roasted prime rib and a baked potato. I had an onion tart for appetizer and a delicious peach and blueberry cobbler for dessert. We are seated at a table with four other people, a couple from Salt Lake City who are on their honeymoon and a couple of spring breakers from Stanford. The spring breakers have moved to the standby list of my life boat. They are both smart and engaging, not at all like the rest of the rowdy group. The honeymooners are nice and I’ve decided that they can have a spot on my lifeboat; mostly because they are infinitely more engaging conversationalists than the addle-pated nincompoops we were forced to dine with on our first cruise.
Well, we’re headed to bed. The first day of our cruise has come to a close and many, many people have voluntarily removed themselves from the muster list. We plan on sleeping in, having breakfast and relaxing. G’night!
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